IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some People Think That the Government Should Pay for Health Care and Education, but Others Believe It Is Not the Government’s Responsibility. Discuss Both Views and Give Your Own Opinion.

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Some
people
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 argue that
education
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 and
health
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 facilities should be free and provided by the authorities. Meanwhile, others think that it is not the administration’s obligation to do so. Even though putting the government responsible for their residents’
health
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 and
education
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 is to help
people
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 whose incomes are below the average, it causes a strain on their
budget
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 and brings up problems. On the one hand, providing free access for
people
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 to go to school and get
health
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 treatments will benefit
people
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 with lower incomes.
This
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 is to say that there are
people
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 who still struggle to fulfil their necessities because they only make a minimum wage. It may be difficult for them to afford tuition fees for their children and seek medical treatments when they are sick. The administrations should provide a better life for their residents who have financial difficulties.
For example
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, Indonesia’s Ministry of
Education
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 provides an educational aid
budget
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 for public schools to support their pupils’ needs
hence
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 it lessens their parents’ burden.
However
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, many of the budgets are not targeted to specific categories of
people
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thus
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 it puts strain on the
budget
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.
On the other hand
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,
health
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 and
education
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 should be the individual's responsibility, not the administration because it strains the
budget
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 and may be inadequate.
This
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 is because providing proper
education
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 and
health
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 care treatment for free for every citizen will cost an arm and a leg for the government. They should prepare a large amount of money to pay the teachers’ salaries and the medical practitioners’ wages, which causes these
people
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 to get very minimum salaries
while
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 they are demanded to be professional.
For instance
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, in state-owned hospitals, the doctors are paid low standard salaries because the nation rules the incentives for
this
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 program.
This
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 issue is a prove that the available fund is limited
thus
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 it sacrifices the doctors’ wages. In conclusion,
although
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 offering free school tuition and medical charges for citizens is a good way to support their lives,
nevertheless
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 it puts a great strain on the government’s limited funds
thus
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 impacting other aspects.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion. Both paragraphs need to establish the context of the discussion and succinctly present the concluding standpoint respectively, which was done but could be further enhanced for clarity and impact.
coherence cohesion
Work on the essay's logical structure, ensuring ideas flow naturally from one to the next with clear, logical progression, and use conjunctions and cohesive devices effectively to demonstrate clear relationships between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more detailed explanations, evidence, or examples. Make sure these supporting details directly relate to and strengthen the main points being discussed.
task achievement
Provide a more complete response by fully engaging with all parts of the prompt, ensuring that both views and your own opinion are discussed thoroughly and equally.
task achievement
Strive for clarity in presenting ideas, ensuring that each paragraph explores a single main idea in depth with comprehensive explanations and that the essay maintains a consistent focus throughout.
task achievement
Include more relevant, specific examples to support the points being made, ensuring they are directly related to the topic and contribute to a fuller understanding of your position on the issue.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • basic services
  • inequality
  • social cohesion
  • public health
  • well-being
  • human capital
  • economic development
  • individual responsibility
  • educational attainment
  • taxpayers
  • inefficiency
  • lack of choice
  • private sector
  • quality
  • innovation
  • accessible
  • affordable
  • role
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