IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, the number of shooting massacres is on the rise because many people have guns at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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A huge number of
people
Use synonyms
 are in possession of rifles, which caused shooting massacres to rise in an unprecedented manner in a number of nations.
This
Linking Words
 essay strongly agrees with the statement because some countries give permission to
people
Use synonyms
 to have guns for
self-defense
Change the spelling
self-defence
show examples
;
moreover
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, armaments companies make huge
profit
Fix the agreement mistake
profits
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 out of
this
Linking Words
 business.
To begin
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 with, having
weapons
Use synonyms
 is an entitlement for many
people
Use synonyms
 in industrialized societies to defend themselves against perpetrators.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 entitlement raised concern for safety in the communities; every week some fanatic or domestic abused person opens fire on a crowd of
people
Use synonyms
 and kills and slaughters pedestrians, partygoers, and even school students for no obvious
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
.
For example
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,
last
Linking Words
 month in Taxes State, a teenager opened fire in a school and killed 15 students and 2 teachers when he was asked in
court
Add an article
a court
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 of law, Why did you do that? He had no clues—why did he carry out the massacre?
Additionally
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, in many countries, the armaments companies have
influence
Wrong verb form
influenced
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
lawmakers to keep the business of lethal
weapons
Use synonyms
 legal, and it is very difficult for the government to ban these firms from producing and selling weaponry to the public.
However
Linking Words
, gigantic corporations know that
distribution
Correct article usage
the distribution
show examples
 of these
weapons
Use synonyms
 can cause harm rather than safety, but still, they manufacture and supply them throughout many countries in all 5 continents.
For example
Linking Words
, Lockheed Martin annually accumulates billions of dollars for manufacturing small rifles and pistols, which are easily accessible in gun stores throughout the USA. In conclusion, having
weapons
Use synonyms
 is the best entitlement a nation can benefit from, but it creates vandalism when someone starts shooting
incent
Correct your spelling
innocent
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 at café shops, schools, bars, and government offices.
Moreover
Linking Words
, government efforts are hindered by firms that have
influence
Add an article
an influence
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 on lawmakers to keep their businesses legal
while
Linking Words
 undermining public safety.

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coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are clear and well-presented, working on enhancing the logical structure of the essay will further improve its coherence. Try to make smoother transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences have minor awkward phrasings or minor grammatical errors. Revising these will strengthen the clarity of your arguments.
task achievement
Provide a clearer connection between the examples and the thesis statement to create a more compelling argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the essay's thesis and the conclusion neatly wraps up the argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt well, clearly stating a position and providing specific reasons and examples to support it.
task achievement
Well-developed main points with relevant and specific examples enhance the argument's effectiveness.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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