IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Write about following topic: Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #people #children #time #school #work
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In addressing the topic of how
children
 utilize their free
time
, there exists a dichotomy of opinions. Some argue that
children
 currently enjoy excessive free
time
, proposing a shift towards more academic engagement. In
this
 essay, I will explore both perspectives and provide insights into my own stance on the matter. Advocates for a reduction in
children
's free
time
 argue that the current allocation may be excessive. Concerns revolve around potential academic shortcomings, emphasizing the need for more
time
 dedicated to school-related activities to enhance performance in the competitive educational landscape.
On the contrary
, proponents of ample free
time
 for
children
 assert its significance for holistic development. They highlight the importance of fostering creativity and social skills, suggesting that a balance between academics and leisure is essential for a well-rounded upbringing. Expressing a personal perspective, I believe that an equilibrium between free
time
 and school work is ideal. Drawing from my own experiences, I recognize the value of academic pursuits but
also
 appreciate the enrichment that diverse, non-academic activities bring to a child's
overall
 development. In conclusion, the debate over how
children
 should spend their free
time
 encompasses contrasting views.
While
 some advocate for a more academically focused approach, others emphasize the importance of a balanced, holistic development. Striking a middle ground, I believe that an optimal mix of academic and leisure activities best serves a child's growth and well-being.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
While the essay generally maintains coherence, there are areas where the logical flow could be improved with clearer transitions and more explicit connections between points. Consider varying sentence structures and using cohesive devices to improve the clarity and progression of ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
The response to the task is somewhat complete. However, it would benefit from a more thorough exploration of your stance on the matter. Make sure you address all parts of the task, clearly state your position, and elaborate on it with more developed ideas and specific examples, which were lacking.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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