Some people think that becoming popular through TV or Internet makes ordinary people happy. To what extent do you agree with the statement? What other things make modern people happy?

At present, everyone can be
fame
Replace the word
famous
show examples
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advanced technology
such
as social medias Some claim that
people
can get instant
popular
Replace the word
popularity
show examples
through online video blocks and TV shows that
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
pleasure.
However
, I strongly disagree with
this
statement because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real
happiness
is not getting fame
besides
the relationship can bring enormous joy
this
way
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
modern folks feel satisfaction.
This
essay
discuss
Change the verb form
discusses
show examples
it briefly for the following reasons.
To begin
with,
Correct article usage
the celeberity
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celeberity
Correct your spelling
celebrity
lifestyle cannot bring more joyness but help for financial growth in
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
period of
time
,
although
, instant fame does not
hold
Verb problem
last
show examples
a long periods
Correct the article-noun agreement
long periods
a long period
show examples
because social
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
show examples
celebrities should do anything new updates to their viewers,
consequently
,
this
suituation
Correct your spelling
situation
might get more depression and anxiety.
For example
, Indian folks more concentrate
to develop
Change preposition
on developing
show examples
their own online
blogs channel
Fix the agreement mistake
blog channels
show examples
to increase the
subcribers
Correct your spelling
subscribers
along with
views but some
suffers
Change the verb form
suffer
show examples
mental-based problems.
Hence
,
this
public eye
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
pressure to the common
people
.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genuine
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
can bring enormous
joyness
Correct your spelling
joy
to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
updated mankind because they desire to feel
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real
happiness
rather than fake fames. Spending quality
time
with family members, joining dinner
amd
Correct your spelling
and
going family trip
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
makes more
pleasures
Fix the agreement mistake
pleasure
show examples
and
self-satisfactions
Correct your spelling
self-satisfaction
show examples
.
For instance
, the Times of India conducted
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
survey said that how
people
acquire
happiness
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nowadays more than 80% of the folks
answer
Wrong verb form
answered
show examples
was spending
time
with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
family members.
Then
, these are the ways
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mankind
obtain
Correct subject-verb agreement
obtains
show examples
joyness
Correct your spelling
joy
.
To conclude
,
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
medias
Fix the agreement mistake
media
show examples
public eye
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
period of popularity
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
makes
Verb problem
causes
show examples
mental-based
Correct word choice
more mental
show examples
trouble than
happiness
but spending
time
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
genuine relationship can bring enormous pleasures and modern
people
also
kihe
Correct your spelling
want
to get
this
way.
Therefore
, I strongly disagree with
this
statement in the above-mentioned details.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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Task Achievement
Considering Task Achievement, while you've made an attempt to address the topic, your response is somewhat limited and the ideas are not fully developed or exemplified. To improve, ensure you directly address all parts of the question and develop clear arguments with pointed examples that support your statement effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Regarding Coherence and Cohesion, your essay lacks a clear logical flow and exhibits issues with paragraph structure and topic sentence clarity. To enhance your score here, you need to make better use of cohesive devices, ensure paragraphs are well-structured with clear main ideas, and transitions between them are smooth. This will strengthen the coherence of your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Fame
  • Happiness
  • Recognition
  • Adoration
  • Sponsorships
  • Lifestyle
  • Public eye
  • Pressures
  • Privacy
  • Genuine relationships
  • Job satisfaction
  • Accomplishment
  • Health and wellbeing
  • Personal growth
  • Self-improvement
  • Social media
  • Celebrity
  • Superficial satisfaction
  • Financial opportunities
  • Public approval
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