Some people think that becoming popular through TV or Internet makes ordinary people happy. To what extent do you agree with the statement? What other things make modern people happy?
At present, everyone can be
fame
Replace the word
famous
by
Change preposition
through
the
advanced technology Correct article usage
apply
such
as social medias Some claim that people
can get instant popular
through online video blocks and TV shows that Replace the word
popularity
makes
pleasure. Change the verb form
make
However
, I strongly disagree with this
statement because the
real Correct article usage
apply
happiness
is not getting fame besides
the relationship can bring enormous joy this
way of
modern folks feel satisfaction. Change preposition
apply
This
essay discuss
it briefly for the following reasons.
Change the verb form
discusses
To begin
with, Correct article usage
the celeberity
celeberity
lifestyle cannot bring more joyness but help for financial growth in Correct your spelling
celebrity
short
period of Add an article
a short
time
, although
, instant fame does not hold
Verb problem
last
a long periods
because social Correct the article-noun agreement
long periods
a long period
medias
celebrities should do anything new updates to their viewers, Fix the agreement mistake
media
consequently
, this
suituation
might get more depression and anxiety. Correct your spelling
situation
For example
, Indian folks more concentrate to develop
their own online Change preposition
on developing
blogs channel
to increase the Fix the agreement mistake
blog channels
subcribers
Correct your spelling
subscribers
along with
views but some suffers
mental-based problems. Change the verb form
suffer
Hence
, this
public eye bring
pressure to the common Change the verb form
brings
people
.
Moreover
, the
genuine Correct article usage
apply
relationship
can bring enormous Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
joyness
to Correct your spelling
joy
the
updated mankind because they desire to feel Correct article usage
apply
the
real Correct article usage
apply
happiness
rather than fake fames. Spending quality time
with family members, joining dinner amd
going family trip Correct your spelling
and
that
makes more Correct pronoun usage
apply
pleasures
and Fix the agreement mistake
pleasure
self-satisfactions
. Correct your spelling
self-satisfaction
For instance
, the Times of India conducted the
survey said that how Correct article usage
a
people
acquire happiness
in
nowadays more than 80% of the folks Change preposition
apply
answer
was spending Wrong verb form
answered
time
with the
family members. Change the word
their
Then
, these are the ways of
mankind Change preposition
apply
obtain
Correct subject-verb agreement
obtains
joyness
.
Correct your spelling
joy
To conclude
, social
Correct article usage
the social
medias
public eye Fix the agreement mistake
media
is
Verb problem
has
short
period of popularity Add an article
a short
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
makes
Verb problem
causes
mental-based
trouble than Correct word choice
more mental
happiness
but spending time
with
Change preposition
in
the
genuine relationship can bring enormous pleasures and modern Correct article usage
a
people
also
kihe
to get Correct your spelling
want
this
way. Therefore
, I strongly disagree with this
statement in the above-mentioned details.Submitted by reanudeepan on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Task Achievement
Considering Task Achievement, while you've made an attempt to address the topic, your response is somewhat limited and the ideas are not fully developed or exemplified. To improve, ensure you directly address all parts of the question and develop clear arguments with pointed examples that support your statement effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Regarding Coherence and Cohesion, your essay lacks a clear logical flow and exhibits issues with paragraph structure and topic sentence clarity. To enhance your score here, you need to make better use of cohesive devices, ensure paragraphs are well-structured with clear main ideas, and transitions between them are smooth. This will strengthen the coherence of your argument.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.