IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people suggest that sport champions should be banned from television, meanwhile the others say it is allowed. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #sport #champions #television
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Several people propose that
sports
 competitions ought to be banned from being shown on
television
, whilst some argue that they should be allowed.
This
 essay disagrees with the notion that
television
channels
 should not transmit
sports
 championships as they are a form of entertainment for the majority of people, and because the athletes that are telecasted are role models for many, especially the youth.
Sports
channels
 that run sporting events,
such
 as
sports
 champions, exist as a source of enjoyment for their viewers. Banning the broadcast of
sports
 competitions would deprive many of
this
 joy and the availability to watch high-level performances from the athletes.
Furthermore
, it could decrease the
overall
television
 ratings and streaming revenues. A recent survey conducted by Kompas suggests that 72% of
television
 watchers are
sports
 enthusiasts, with the highest screen time accumulation spent on
sports
channels
. Many players in
sports
 races can play a pivotal role in motivating today's youth to engage in more physical activities.
This
 is seen as a positive impact on many children and teenagers, especially given the condition that today's generation is not keen on spending their time doing outdoor activities.
Moreover
, a significant amount of children and teenagers have a desire to follow in these athletes' footsteps after following episodes of
sports
 championships aired on
television
.
For instance
, research done on students at Jakarta Primary School concluded that the vast majority, 84% to be precise, dream of becoming sportsmen after viewing
sports
 competitions with their parents at home. In conclusion, it is not necessary to prohibit
television
channels
 from airing
sports
 champions since they make positive contributions,
such
 as providing entertainment for
sports
 enthusiasts
as well as
 motivating athlete wannabes to pursue their dreams.
Submitted by pink panther on

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logical structure
Make sure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction should introduce the topic and your thesis statement; the body should contain distinct paragraphs for each main point; the conclusion should summarise your argument and restate your opinion.
logical structure
Try to vary your linking words and phrases to show a clear relationship between ideas. This includes using a mix of coordinating conjunctions, subordinating conjunctions, and transition signals throughout your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, though they could benefit from more robust thesis statements and a clearer reiteration of key points at the end of the essay.
supported main points
Provide clear examples and evidence to back up your points. You mention statistics and surveys, which is great, but ensure that they are detailed and relevant to your argument.
complete response
Fully address all parts of the task. You should discuss both views in the argument, provide a clear opinion, and support your ideas with explanations and examples.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify and develop your main ideas further. While you've introduced good points, expanding on these with more detail would improve your task achievement.
relevant specific examples
Include specific, relevant examples to support your arguments. Real-life instances or hypothetical scenarios that clearly relate to the points being made will make your essay more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Role model
  • Inspire
  • Physical activity
  • Excellence
  • Entertainment
  • Deprive
  • High-level performance
  • Freedom of expression
  • Censorship
  • Precedent
  • Negative impact
  • Discernment
  • Parental guidance
  • Outright bans
  • Hero worship
  • Undue pressure
  • Unrealistic standards
  • Commodification
  • Profitability
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