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Band 5.5

Buying things on the internet such as book, air ticket and groceries is becoming more and more popular. Do the advantages of shopping in this way outweigh the disadvantages.

#internet #book #air #ticket #groceries
These days, individuals are choosing to buy stuff online rather than visiting the local markets.
Although
people
 may have to compromise with the
quality
 of an item, the advantages like saving
time
 and
money
 outweigh the disadvantages.
To begin
 with, low
quality
 is the main issue of e-shopping.
Although
description
Add an article
the description
show examples
 of a product includes everything like material, colour, size and brand, many times it is not the same product as a customer was expecting. Because, in
actuality
Add a comma
actuality,
show examples
 some products are of low-
quality
 material which does not
last
 for a long
time
. But, it would not be the same case if
people
 shop in-store as they can examine an item properly.
However
, the reason to shop online is that
people
 have hectic schedules. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 have
full-timetime
Correct your spelling
full-time time
full-time-time
 jobs on the weekdays and during weekends or holidays, they prefer to spend
quality
time
 with their family and friends.
According to
 them, it is a waste of
time
 to join a big line-up of the store
while
 entering and checking out.
This
 is how they save their
time
 by using their phones or computers to place an order for any required item.
Moreover
, online shopping helps to save a good amount of
money
. When a sale or discount is going on the apps or site the store customers receive notifications and they can get products online for a cheaper price
instead
 of at the regular price in-store.
In addition
, there are many coupons and points available which can be redeemed
while
 checking out.
Hence
, in
this
 way,
people
 who buy things online are able to save
money
.
To conclude
,
Although
 electronic shopping may dissatisfy
people
 because of its low
quality
, it helps to save
time
 and
money
.
Therefore
 pros of online purchases outweigh the cons
Submitted by 1234 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task with a clear position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which satisfies the task achievement to a good extent. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure your response is fully developed and provides a more thorough examination of the topic. Your ideas could be more comprehensive if you explore multiple dimensions of the advantages and disadvantages rather than focusing primarily on quality, time and money. Add more substantiation and diversify your arguments for a more complete response.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has an adequate logical structure, there are opportunities for improvement in coherence and cohesion. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and vary your sentence structures to enhance the flow of ideas. Paragraphs should be better developed with clear topic sentences that are expanded upon with specific details. To improve your score, focus on creating a stronger narrative that guides the reader through your argument with ease. Pay attention to the logical progression of your ideas and use paragraphing to emphasize this progression effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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