In some societies, the number of crimes committed by teenagers is growing. Some people think that regardless of age, teenagers who commit major crimes should receive adult punishment. To what extent do you agree?

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Nowadays, the number of
crimes
is still increasing and the percentage of
teenagers
who are involved is
also
rising. Certain
people
think that
teenagers
Replace the word
teenage
show examples
criminals who commit heavy
crimes
should be sent to
jailalong
Correct your spelling
jail along
with
adult
people
and receive the same punishment.
This
essay will shed light on
this
situation and put forward my opinion that I keep neutral views about
this
statement. There are several reasons why some
people
think that
people
should send
teenagers
to
jail
and enjoy the same treatment as adults.
Firstly
,
this
law
can ensure community safety, if some
teenagers
make the mistake of breaking the
law
, and can warn other
people
who want to commit major
crimes
.
Secondly
,
according to
some popular humanity projects when those
people
get involved in some heavy
crimes
Add a comma
crimes,
show examples
it is because they keep away from school education and their parents teach for
along
Correct your spelling
a long
show examples
time, they come into contact with some bad
people
when they are too young to realise which will cause them to mature too early and
then
they will end up in
jail
repeatedly.
For instance
, some
people
need to survive but they don’t have any jobs or
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
to support them,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
only steal other
people
's valuable stuff,
also
this
issue can cause
people
to hurt others or cause social instability,
this
is not something that normal
teenagers
can usually do.
On the other hand
, solving any problem should consider each point and not be extremes,
this
situation is no different.
For example
, some
teenagers
are only breaking the
law
for the first time, they have just left home and school, if they are sent to the
adult
jail
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
place only has manual
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
and the criminals
also
can affect young
people
's minds. When they end the time, they will continue to make mistakes. There are some projects that if the government gives young
people
some mental intervention and sends them to the
teenager’s
Change noun form
teenager
show examples
jail
, rather than an
adult
jail
, when they first break the
law
,
this
situation can effectively make
teenagers
not make mistakes. In conclusion, though I agree
with
Change preposition
that
show examples
sending
teenagers
to
adult
jail
receive
Correct subject-verb agreement
receives
show examples
the same punishments, I
also
think when young
people
break the
law
, the court cannot first think about sending them to
jail
, they should observe whether those
people
can correct their mistakes.
Submitted by ur790609922 on

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task response
You maintained a discussion regarding both views, which is positive. However, your position is not clearly stated. A clear opinion must be presented, especially when the question directly asks for the extent of your agreement.
task response
Ensure your essay presents a balanced view but also highlights your own stance more emphatically to fulfill task requirements.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion, which is good. Make sure every paragraph has a clear central idea, ideally in the first or second sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the logical flow of ideas. Some sentences appear disjointed due to awkward phrasing.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. This strengthens the argument and aids in achieving a higher score for task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • juvenile delinquency
  • criminal behavior
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • adolescent development
  • retribution
  • impulse control
  • the justice system
  • societal influences
  • environmental factors
  • juvenile justice
  • punitive measures
  • adult incarceration
  • youth crime
  • reformative programs
  • deterrence
  • mitigating circumstances
  • restorative justice
  • correctional facilities
  • peer pressure
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