IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

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In many states, school students get jobs
while
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 studying. I think
this
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 is beneficial for teenagers to have work experience that prepares them for real life and they can afford study
expenses
Use synonyms
 with the money they earn.
Firstly
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, having jobs makes great improvements for young scholars to build real-time experience. Many of them learn how to implement their knowledge that can make better results with their personal ability.
For instance
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, they can use the mathematical knowledge that they have learned in school working as a cashier in a store.
Moreover
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, their working skills will be upgraded
while
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 improving their job experience. After some years, they can be promoted to higher positions which will double their personal skills as a worker.
Secondly
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, young individuals can afford study
expenses
Use synonyms
 with the money they earn as a salary. Many teenagers attempt to find a vacancy in order to cover their tuition fees.
For example
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, college students in the UK prefer working in their leisure time. Because of the high living standards of the country, it is impossible to depend on scholarships provided by institutions. Rising accommodation
expenses
Use synonyms
 force youngsters to get a position that offers overtime schedules. In conclusion, young people have jobs
while
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 they are still studying in many states. I assume that it has a positive implementation for young workers to have a lifetime opportunity to share their knowledge in practice, as the monthly salary earned during labour can help them to afford tuition fees,
as well as
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 cover accommodation
expenses
Use synonyms
 and can be used as their daily needs.

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, with a definite introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the first sentence of the introduction could be more engaging to set the tone for the essay. Consider rephrasing it to make it more attention-grabbing.
task achievement
The essay makes relevant points and supports them with specific examples, but it would be more compelling to provide additional examples or elaborate further on the existing ones. This would enhance the support for the main points.
coherence cohesion
While the essay's points are clear, it can benefit from the use of transitional phrases. This will improve the natural flow between different ideas and paragraphs, creating a more cohesive narrative.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support its points, such as the use of mathematical knowledge in a cashier job and the context of UK college students working to cover expenses. These examples make the arguments stronger and more relatable.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good level of coherence and logical structure. Each paragraph addresses a specific reason and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed.
task achievement
The ideas are clearly and comprehensively expressed, and the language used is appropriate for the topic, making the essay easy to understand.
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