IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In order to cover the increasing cost of expenses, more and more people work very long shifts and have two or more jobs. give your opinion whether the advantages of working very long hours or having more than one job outweigh the disadvantages.

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An increasing number of people
work
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 extremely long
hours
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 or have more
jobs
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 to pay enough for the costs of expenditure. It's obvious that applying for extra
hours
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 and working several
jobs
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 are going to highly gain profit. ​Doing a
lot
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 of
jobs
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 or working for long periods of
hours
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 provides more
money
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. An essential component of modern existence is
money
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. Living without
money
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 is going to be hard. because working people are unable to afford essentials like clothing, food, and medication. The
work
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 may not be highly compensated. Regardless, doing a
lot
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 of overtime or working multiple
jobs
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 can make a
lot
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 of
money
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 quickly.
For instance
Linking Words
, a recent survey by the World Bank showed that 95
percent
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per cent
show examples
 of
laborers
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labourers
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 with 3 or more
jobs
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 can obtain triple the salary compared to workers who have only one job.
Therefore
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, working a
lot
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 is able to generate income. ​
On the other hand
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, working a
lot
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 of overtime or carrying multiple
jobs
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 may cause many
health
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 effects. Basically, normal
work
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 is spending
time
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 for 8
hours
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 per day or 48
hours
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 per week that efficiently balances
work
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 and life activities. If using
time
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 for working, life and rest
time
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 will be less that can cause worse
health
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.
For example
Linking Words
, the World
Health
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 Organization reported that 58
percent
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per cent
show examples
 of working age who spend more than 15 working
hours
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 per day have 5 times cardiovascular disease. Seeing the negative
health
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 effects that many people get from long working
hours
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, it is important to be concerned. ​In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 doing more
jobs
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 and allowing in more
hours
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 has clear benefits.
However
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, there are risks when spending extra
time
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 and taking on multiple occupations can result in financial gains.
Nonetheless
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, persons in the workforce must plan
time
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 for relaxation and maintaining their
health
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. If not, they might have to use their earnings to cover their medical expenses.

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Task response
Ensure you fully develop your main points. Each point mentioned needs to be elaborated sufficiently, allowing for a detailed discussion. This will elevate your task response score.
Coherence & Cohesion
Although your essay has a good structure, varying sentence structure and employing a wider range of linking phrases can enhance cohesion and coherence. This helps in smoothly guiding the reader through your arguments.
Task response
Be mindful of work-life balance discussions, ensuring to clearly present both sides: the financial benefits and the potential health risks. Integrating these perspectives more seamlessly can improve the persuasive quality of your essay.
Task response
You successfully identified both the advantages and disadvantages of working long hours or multiple jobs, which shows a good understanding of the essay topic.
Task response
You have provided specific examples to support your claims, like the World Bank survey and WHO report, which helps make your argument more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making your arguments easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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