IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In order to cover the increasing cost of expenses, more and more people work very long shifts and have two or more jobs. give your opinion whether the advantages of working very long hours or having more than one job outweigh the disadvantages.

#cost #expenses #people #work #shifts #two #jobs #hours #job
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
An increasing number of people
work
Use synonyms
 extremely long
hours
Use synonyms
 or have more
jobs
Use synonyms
 to pay enough for the costs of expenditure. It's obvious that applying for extra
hours
Use synonyms
 and working several
jobs
Use synonyms
 are going to highly gain profit. ​Doing a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
jobs
Use synonyms
 or working for long periods of
hours
Use synonyms
 provides more
money
Use synonyms
. An essential component of modern existence is
money
Use synonyms
. Living without
money
Use synonyms
 is going to be hard. because working people are unable to afford essentials like clothing, food, and medication. The
work
Use synonyms
 may not be highly compensated. Regardless, doing a
lot
Use synonyms
 of overtime or working multiple
jobs
Use synonyms
 can make a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
money
Use synonyms
 quickly.
For instance
Linking Words
, a recent survey by the World Bank showed that 95
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
 with 3 or more
jobs
Use synonyms
 can obtain triple the salary compared to workers who have only one job.
Therefore
Linking Words
, working a
lot
Use synonyms
 is able to generate income. ​
On the other hand
Linking Words
, working a
lot
Use synonyms
 of overtime or carrying multiple
jobs
Use synonyms
 may cause many
health
Use synonyms
 effects. Basically, normal
work
Use synonyms
 is spending
time
Use synonyms
 for 8
hours
Use synonyms
 per day or 48
hours
Use synonyms
 per week that efficiently balances
work
Use synonyms
 and life activities. If using
time
Use synonyms
 for working, life and rest
time
Use synonyms
 will be less that can cause worse
health
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the World
Health
Use synonyms
 Organization reported that 58
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of working age who spend more than 15 working
hours
Use synonyms
 per day have 5 times cardiovascular disease. Seeing the negative
health
Use synonyms
 effects that many people get from long working
hours
Use synonyms
, it is important to be concerned. ​In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 doing more
jobs
Use synonyms
 and allowing in more
hours
Use synonyms
 has clear benefits.
However
Linking Words
, there are risks when spending extra
time
Use synonyms
 and taking on multiple occupations can result in financial gains.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, persons in the workforce must plan
time
Use synonyms
 for relaxation and maintaining their
health
Use synonyms
. If not, they might have to use their earnings to cover their medical expenses.
Submitted by amittawin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Ensure you fully develop your main points. Each point mentioned needs to be elaborated sufficiently, allowing for a detailed discussion. This will elevate your task response score.
Coherence & Cohesion
Although your essay has a good structure, varying sentence structure and employing a wider range of linking phrases can enhance cohesion and coherence. This helps in smoothly guiding the reader through your arguments.
Task response
Be mindful of work-life balance discussions, ensuring to clearly present both sides: the financial benefits and the potential health risks. Integrating these perspectives more seamlessly can improve the persuasive quality of your essay.
Task response
You successfully identified both the advantages and disadvantages of working long hours or multiple jobs, which shows a good understanding of the essay topic.
Task response
You have provided specific examples to support your claims, like the World Bank survey and WHO report, which helps make your argument more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making your arguments easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: