In order to cover the increasing cost of expenses, more and more people work very long shifts and have two or more jobs. give your opinion whether the advantages of working very long hours or having more than one job outweigh the disadvantages.

An increasing number of people
work
extremely long
hours
or have more
jobs
to pay enough for the costs of expenditure. It's obvious that applying for extra
hours
and working several
jobs
are going to highly gain profit. ​Doing a
lot
of
jobs
or working for long periods of
hours
provides more
money
. An essential component of modern existence is
money
. Living without
money
is going to be hard. because working people are unable to afford essentials like clothing, food, and medication. The
work
may not be highly compensated. Regardless, doing a
lot
of overtime or working multiple
jobs
can make a
lot
of
money
quickly.
For instance
, a recent survey by the World Bank showed that 95
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
of
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
with 3 or more
jobs
can obtain triple the salary compared to workers who have only one job.
Therefore
, working a
lot
is able to generate income. ​
On the other hand
, working a
lot
of overtime or carrying multiple
jobs
may cause many
health
effects. Basically, normal
work
is spending
time
for 8
hours
per day or 48
hours
per week that efficiently balances
work
and life activities. If using
time
for working, life and rest
time
will be less that can cause worse
health
.
For example
, the World
Health
Organization reported that 58
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
of working age who spend more than 15 working
hours
per day have 5 times cardiovascular disease. Seeing the negative
health
effects that many people get from long working
hours
, it is important to be concerned. ​In conclusion,
although
doing more
jobs
and allowing in more
hours
has clear benefits.
However
, there are risks when spending extra
time
and taking on multiple occupations can result in financial gains.
Nonetheless
, persons in the workforce must plan
time
for relaxation and maintaining their
health
. If not, they might have to use their earnings to cover their medical expenses.
Submitted by amittawin on

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Task response
Ensure you fully develop your main points. Each point mentioned needs to be elaborated sufficiently, allowing for a detailed discussion. This will elevate your task response score.
Coherence & Cohesion
Although your essay has a good structure, varying sentence structure and employing a wider range of linking phrases can enhance cohesion and coherence. This helps in smoothly guiding the reader through your arguments.
Task response
Be mindful of work-life balance discussions, ensuring to clearly present both sides: the financial benefits and the potential health risks. Integrating these perspectives more seamlessly can improve the persuasive quality of your essay.
Task response
You successfully identified both the advantages and disadvantages of working long hours or multiple jobs, which shows a good understanding of the essay topic.
Task response
You have provided specific examples to support your claims, like the World Bank survey and WHO report, which helps make your argument more convincing.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making your arguments easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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