IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #lifestyle #illness #treatment #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some
people
 hold the idea that public money should be spent on encouraging a healthy lifestyle to prevent illness rather than regimens of ill individuals. I totally refuse to follow
this
 notion as I believe that both approaches ought to be balanced. On the one hand, promoting a healthy lifestyle has long-term benefits. If communities are fully aware of the positive aspects of
this
 lifestyle, they will tend to adopt healthier habits including doing exercise, balanced nutrition, avoiding junk food and excessive alcohol consumption. From that, they can minimise the risk of diabetes, or heart disease or even protect their well-being.
Subsequently
, preventing illness from healthy behaviours helps to save money by less spending on health issues and reduces the burden on healthcare systems.
For instance
, the New York Times paper revealed that the portion of individuals visiting hospitals because of the fat rate decreased by 5% compared to
last
 year thanks to an initiative from governments to reduce 2% in taxes for businesses having physical activities every week.
On the other hand
, some diseases and conditions are unpreventable, so
people
 still need medical interventions and therapies.
For example
, colour blindness which makes
people
 difficult to detect colours as normal is an inherited disease passed down from biological parents. Individuals in
this
 circumstance will struggle to perceive
colors
Change the spelling
colours
show examples
 if they are not supported by treatments
such
 as specialized sunglasses or proper medications.
As a result
, it is crucial to invest public money in medical approaches in order to provide appropriate assistance to
people
 who get some special kinds of bad conditions.
Although
 taking funds to promote healthy behaviours has some significant merits, I believe investing in treatments should be considered as important as the former since not all diseases are preventable.
Submitted by nguyenmysam722001 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
While you have provided a balanced view with an introduction and conclusion, your main points could be better developed. Make sure your paragraphs have clear central ideas, fully expanded with explanations, and more varied linking devices.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument, which is good for a complete response. However, your argument would benefit from a clearer stance throughout the essay. Additionally, ensure that your examples are directly related to the tasks and are fully fleshed out to improve the density and relevance of your content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • chronic diseases
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • lifestyle-related illnesses
  • quality of life
  • health-conscious society
  • allocate funds
  • balanced healthcare system
  • comprehensive healthcare strategy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: