IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some governments today seek to monitor the general public’s electronic communications (in the form of phone calls, texts, and emails) saying that this reduces crime. Many people oppose this, however, saying that it erodes individual freedoms. Discuss the aspects of this debate, and give your own conclusion to the discussion

#governments #public’s #communications #form #phone #texts #emails #crime #people #freedoms #aspects #debate #conclusion #discussion
Recent years have witnessed the ever-increasing growth of high-technology crimes through electronic communications, so some governments in certain countries are looking for measures to control
this
 phenomenon.
This
 essay will discuss both sides of the argument and provide evidence as to why I agree with the opinion. On the one hand, the
further
 implementation of various **security solutions** has always been in our interest as it ***deters criminals and discourages crime***. Nowadays, some technological companies have combined selective ***monitoring systems*** with their devices to collect users’ personal information.
This
 has been carefully implemented to deter misdemeanours or any other problematic activities both online and offline.
For example
, sensitive information like location is almost allowed access to every application on our mobile phones, which can double the count of assistance in some urgent situations,
such
 as finding victims or criminals in kidnapping cases.
On the other hand
, there are some compelling reasons why other people are concerned about their liberties under danger.
Firstly
, users are severely worried that if it were to fall into the wrong hands, it could lead to dangerous misuse. Notably, the misuse
***in
Correct your spelling
*** in
 a corporate sense*** is
also
 worrisome.
Secondly
, the thought of constantly being observed and monitored ***poses a threat to*** privacy and undoubtedly causes discomfort. In some circumstances, few people are obsessed with the imagination that there is somebody following them in the long term, which can result in some mental health issues,
such
 as anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder. In conclusion,
while
 some argue that there are drawbacks, the benefits of allowing the monitoring of private data only in specific situations far outweigh any adverse effects.
Submitted by oanhhkpsy on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a clear overall structure, with an introduction and conclusion. However, the logical connection between ideas could be strengthened with better use of cohesive devices and topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument more clearly.
task achievement
You address parts of the task, yet there seems to be an imbalance in discussing both views before reaching a conclusion. Ensure that you provide a balanced treatment of both sides of the argument and the conclusion should be clearly derived from the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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