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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.
#sales #five #phone #brands
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The
privided
Correct your spelling
provided
 bar chart presents the global
sales
Use synonyms
 of five popular
moblie
Correct your spelling
mobile
 phone bands from 2009 to 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the most popular band was
Nokia
Use synonyms
, followed by
Samsung
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 ZTE and Apple
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 the less popular at the beginning.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Samsung
Use synonyms
, Apple and ZTE experienced an upward trend in comparison
Use synonyms
Nokia
Change preposition
to Nokia
show examples
 and LG followed
a
Change preposition
by a
show examples
downward trend in the
survered
Correct your spelling
survey
 years.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the most popular mobile band was
Nokia
Use synonyms
 with almost 450
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 which is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
double
of
Correct determiner usage
that of
show examples
Samsung
Use synonyms
 in 2009. There was a
minior
Correct your spelling
minor
 fall
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Nokia
Use synonyms
's
sales
Use synonyms
 in 2011 and
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
plunge
Wrong verb form
plunged
show examples
 to 250
dollars
Use synonyms
 per year
whereas
Linking Words
Samsung
Use synonyms
continued
Add the particle
continued to
show examples
 grow and
peak
Wrong verb form
peaked
show examples
 at 450
dollars
Use synonyms
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the end of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, Apple started
around
Change preposition
at around
show examples
 25
dollars
Use synonyms
 and 6 times rose to 150
dollars
Use synonyms
 in 2013
also
Linking Words
 ZTE grew
slighty
Correct your spelling
slightly
 to over 50
dollars
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
while
Linking Words
 the
sales
Use synonyms
 of LG decreased from about 120
dollars
Use synonyms
 to 80
dollars
Use synonyms
 during the years.
Submitted by llavina61 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, nokia, samsung, dollars with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Global sales
  • Mobile phone brands
  • Market share
  • Trends
  • Growth
  • Decline
  • Technological advancements
  • Innovation
  • Consumer preferences
  • Demographics
  • Market dominance
  • Brand loyalty
  • Comparative analysis
  • Sales figures
  • Data interpretation
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