IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries traditional foods are being replaced by international fast food. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Globalisation has changed the diets of a
lot
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 of individuals. It is concurred by many nations that fast
food
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 is given more preference than traditional
meals
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 which is impacting their families and societies.I certainly believe that fast
food
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 is detrimental to health and causes various diseases.
This
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 essay will discuss my viewpoints in subsequent paragraphs. The underlying reason attributing to
this
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 trend is the sedentary lifestyle
people
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 are following nowadays.
People
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 are not considering the fact that fast
food
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 is not only high in calories but
also
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 has some bad effects on
overall
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 health.
Furthermore
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, these
foods
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 are high in sugar , full of trans fat and contribute to obesity in
people
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.
As a result
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 , they are diagnosed with a
lot
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 of health issues like heart attacks, artery blockage and other cardiovascular diseases. To epitomize, it has been proven several times that because of the less time ,
people
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 are not giving priority to traditional
meals
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.Since, the Indian diet has a
lot
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 of fibre, protein and fibre,the masses are still following unhealthy
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
meals
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.
Thus
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, the more they do not follow a healthy diet more the chances of chronic diseases.
Is
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Are
show examples
 there any other reasons? Certainly, there is. Fast
foods
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 are less costly than fresh
foods
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. Rather than spending money on fast
food
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 ,humans should follow a diet with rich nutrients like high
in
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apply
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protein,fibre and iron. Fast
food
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 corners are in every corner of the cities with cheap prices and more affordability.
Furthermore
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, because of attractive colorful labels,
people
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 got attracted to packed
foods
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.
Besides
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 that,
people
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 should eat with their family members are make
food
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 at home which will strengthen the relationship with family members.
According to
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 a recent publication, eight
of
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out of
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 ten
people
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 prefer fast
food
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 over traditional
food
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, which is a shocking result for the future generation.
Hence
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,
people
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 should eat more home-cooked
meals
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. In
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this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, having mulled over the aforementioned information,
it is clear that
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 we should rely on home-cooked
foods
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 because there are a
lot
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 of negative consequences for it.The government should make stringent rules to lessen the trend of fast
food
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.

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear position throughout the response, but there are issues concerning the specificity and elaboration on examples. It is crucial to support your main points with more detailed and specific examples that are directly linked to the question. You should also avoid any vague or over-generalised statements that do not add weight to your argument.
coherence cohesion
In terms of logical structure, you should work on creating more coherent body paragraphs that have clear topic sentences and follow through with supporting sentences that relate directly to the topic sentences. Transitions between ideas could also be smoother.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, however, they are not fully developed. The introduction could be more engaging and should outline the main points to be discussed. Similarly, the conclusion should summarise the key points made in the essay and clearly reflect on them, reinforcing your position.
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