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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that success means earning a lot of money. Others believe that success is defined by personal happiness. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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According to
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 some, earning a
lot
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 of
money
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 means
success
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,
while
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 other
people
Use synonyms
 believe that personal
happiness
Use synonyms
 is real
success
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. In my opinion, I consider that
success
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 is defined by personal
happiness
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. On the
one
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 hand, some
people
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 believe that triumph means earning a
lot
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 of
money
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 because of some reasons.
Firstly
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,
money
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 nowadays is
one
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 of the priority things for everyone.
In other words
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,
people
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 can not do many things with less
money
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. So, gaining a
lot
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 of
money
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 which provides the opportunity for
people
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 to use it
however
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 they want.
Secondly
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. it is common nowadays that rich
people
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 are successful,
for example
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, Mark Zuckerberg is
one
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 who founded the most popular website in the world, Facebook, and he is
one
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 of the richest individuals in the world.
Therefore
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, these stereotypes make
people
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 think that
success
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 means earning a
lot
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 of
money
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.
On the other hand
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, it is believed that
success
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 is defined by personal
happiness
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, and I agree. First of all, being satisfied is the main
success
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. To put it simply, reaching the pick of
success
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 is by feeling satisfied.
For instance
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, many
people
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 nowadays have less
money
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 but they are smart and they work in different places with low salaries,
however
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, they are proud of themselves and their good experience.
Hence
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,
success
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 means satisfying and prodding
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
yourself. Another point is that it is easy to earn a high salary, but it is difficult to be happy.
That is
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 to say,
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
success
Use synonyms
 comes when the person is happy.
To sum up
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, I believe that personal
happiness
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 is the main triumph for
people
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 because feeling satisfaction is an important option without focusing on salaries and being rich is easier than being happy.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure of the essay, make sure to have clear, distinct paragraphs that each focus on one specific aspect of the argument. Each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences, and ending with a conclusive statement that ties back to the topic sentence.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion should both explicitly state the main topic and summarize the key points covered. In your introduction, it helps to paraphrase the question and outline your main arguments. Your conclusion should restate your opinion and summarize the main points of your argument without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
To support your main points, include relevant data, specific examples, or quotes from reliable sources, which can add credibility to your arguments. Make sure these examples are directly related to your main points and contribute to your overall argument.
task achievement
In addressing the task, it is important to explore all parts of the question thoroughly. Make sure your opinion is clear throughout and that you provide a balanced discussion before presenting your viewpoint. Additionally, each main idea you introduce should be expanded upon and explained thoroughly to show a deep understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are not only clear but also comprehensive by elaborating and fully developing your arguments. The use of complex structures and varied vocabulary enhances the readability of the essay and showcases your English proficiency.
task achievement
While examples are present, strive for more specific and real-world illustrations that can support your views. These examples should be detailed enough to add depth to your essay and should be clearly linked to your main argument to show relevance.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial success
  • Personal happiness
  • Intrinsic measure
  • Contentment
  • Fulfillment
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Harmonious life
  • Career achievements
  • Social recognition
  • Subjective nature
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