IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

People nowadays work hard to buy more things. This has made our lives generally more comfortable but traditional values & customs have been lost & this is a pity. To what extend do you agree.

It is often argued that buying
products
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 has a significant role in society.
However
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, other individuals claim that it can blur cultural values and customs,
while
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 other
people
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 think it is not. I am of the opinion that there are numerous reasons why it is more beneficial to buy new
products
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. There are a number of reasons why other
people
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 side with the opinion that purchasing too many
products
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 can be harmful to society’s culture. An appropriate example of
this
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 is that if
people
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 prefer to use new
things
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,
for instance
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, high-technology or smart devices, society will soon lose its responsibility for preserving cultural values. Not only forgetting the importance of traditional values but
also
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 making younger generations feel that it is not necessary to study their traditions.
Therefore
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,
this
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 can lead younger generations to lose their cultural identity. Despite the aforementioned arguments, I stand by the fact that it can be advantageous to buy new
things
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.
This
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 is especially true among the elderly because they are more vulnerable than younger generations to being sick and are easily stuck in risky situations.
Consequently
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, it is more reasonable to use new
products
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 like smart watches or smartphones because traditional
products
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 are less productive than new
things
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.
Likewise
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, if
people
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 have money they can buy more
products
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such
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 as washing machines, robot vacuums and clothes dryers, to boost their lifestyle by losing their housework labour. In conclusion, though it might seem that brand-new
products
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 can lead to negative effects on society, I would strongly assert that there are more positive sides to using new
things
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to give clear examples. You mentioned smart devices, but examples should be more specific and relevant to culture to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to make connections between your ideas clearer. Use linking words like 'however' and 'for example' to guide your reader better.
task achievement
Consider better balance between the two sides. You spent more time on the advantages, but it could be helpful to explore disadvantages a little more.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, and your conclusion summarizes your main points well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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