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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts show how tourism to two countries changed over a 50-year period.  Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts show how tourism to two countries changed over a 50-year period.  Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #tourism #two #countries #-year #period #information #features #comparisons
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The pie chart indicates the
transfromation
Correct your spelling
transformation
 of
tourism
Use synonyms
 in terms of two countries -
Australia
Use synonyms
 and
Germany
Use synonyms
 - from 1960 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourists
Use synonyms
 from Europe took up the largest segment in
Australia
Use synonyms
 in 1960.
Similarly
Linking Words
, in
Germany
Use synonyms
, the
vistors
Correct your spelling
visitors
 from Europe
also
Linking Words
 accounted for the largest
part
Use synonyms
 in 1960.
Surpricely
Correct your spelling
Surprise
, over a 50-year period, it can
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
witnessed a dramatic change in
Australia
Use synonyms
, the
tourists
Use synonyms
 from Asia
accouted
Correct your spelling
accounted
account
 for 63%
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
tourism
Use synonyms
stucture
Correct your spelling
structure
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in
Germany
Use synonyms
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourists
Use synonyms
 From Europe still took up the largest segment in 2010. At the same time,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
visitors
Use synonyms
 from Britain became the
most small
Change the adjective
smallest
show examples
part
Use synonyms
 of
tourism
Use synonyms
,
accouted
Correct your spelling
accounted
 for 6%. Over the 50-year period, it experienced a significant change in
Australia
Use synonyms
. The Asian
tourists
Use synonyms
 climbed by 53%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the European
visitors
Use synonyms
drop
Wrong verb form
dropped
show examples
 by 43%. Meanwhile, the
Use synonyms
tourists
Correct quantifier usage
number of tourists
show examples
 from the USA decreased, from 12% to 1%,
became
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 the
most small
Change the adjective
smallest
show examples
 segment in
Use synonyms
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
show examples
trourism
Correct your spelling
tourism
.
Conversely
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourism
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Germany
Use synonyms
 did not change dramatically, the European
visitors
Use synonyms
 still represented the largest
part
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Gemany's
Correct your spelling
Germany's
tourism
Use synonyms
, it just decreased by 5%, between 1960 and 2010.
However
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
visitors
Correct quantifier usage
number of visitors
show examples
 from Britain dipped to 6%, it became the
most small
Change the adjective
smallest
show examples
part
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
Germany
Use synonyms
's
tourism
Use synonyms
, over a 50-year period.
Submitted by Nini on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words tourism, australia, germany, tourists, part, visitors with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatic" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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