IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

fSome people thinks that governments should increase tax on unhealthy food to encourage people to start eating healthy. Do you agree or disagree.

#fsome #people #governments #tax #food
While
 some people believe
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 the price of
junk
food
 could prompt the popularity of
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 diet, I personally disagree with
such
 opinions since there are better solutions to encourage healthy eating, on top of that,
such
 methods could
led
Change the verb form
lead
be led
show examples
 to various negative effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 societies.  First of all, to prompt the younger generation to form a healthy lifestyle,
instead
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 charging higher
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
show examples
 on unhealthy
food
, it is better to educate residents about the downside of having unhealthy diets, including getting
diabites
Correct your spelling
diabetes
 and cardiovascular diseases,
as well as
 obesities, which provoked by overloading
junk
food
 consisted of
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
 amount of sugar and salt.
For instance
, governments should cultivate young individuals who have the knowledge of nutrition in schools to be aware of the
food
 they consume and encourage them to make the right choice. On top of that,
regualations
Correct your spelling
regulations
 for
manufactories
Correct your spelling
manufacturers
show examples
 to reveal nutrition
list
Fix the agreement mistake
lists
show examples
 could
also
guid
Correct your spelling
guide
 residents to
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 healthy
food
.
On the other hand
, in my perspective, the
incrfemental
Correct your spelling
incremental
 price of
junk
food
 led to many social issues,
such
 as the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
 in poverty families
due to
 those
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 the main sources of
food
 for them, which could cause more people
unable
Change preposition
to unable
show examples
 to afford
food
.
For instance
, one of the statistics done in the UK
indicate
Correct subject-verb agreement
indicates
show examples
 that the main consumers of unhealthy
food
 are those who have lower income, despite knowing the drawbacks of eating
junk
food
, they have no choice. To summarise, I disagree with those who suggest an additional tax on unhealthy
food
 since it could cause various social issues,
nontheless
Correct your spelling
nonetheless
to say
Verb problem
apply
show examples
, there are many different countermeasures to encourage individuals to eat healthy
food
 compared to
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
 the cost of eating unhealthy
food
.
Submitted by unapoya0916 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
While your essay provides a clear position, it needs further development in terms of task achievement. Make sure every point is fully elaborated and directly addresses the question posed. Additionally, consider the complexity of your arguments and include a broader range of relevant examples to support your views.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on enhancing the logical flow of ideas throughout your essay. Use a variety of cohesive devices to connect your ideas and paragraphs. Also, pay close attention to maintaining paragraphing conventions, with a clear introduction and concluding paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: