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Band 2.5

These day many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. Do you think benefits of this outweigh disadvantages in term of family development.

#people #country #work #outweigh #term #development
Nowadays people travel with their
families
 looking for better
opourtinities
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opportunities
out
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outside
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 of their home country. Moving abroad has positive and
negitive
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negative
 sides on family
link
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links
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. In the
fellowing
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following
show examples
paragraph
Add a comma
paragraph,
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 I will discuss
the
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apply
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both sides. Parents move to new
countiries
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countries
 looking for new
adventure
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adventures
show examples
to
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for
show examples
 them and their beloved children. There are many advantages for living abroad on family members relationships.
For example
, settling in a new country makes parents and children spend more time
togather
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together
 as they have no
distraction
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distractions
show examples
 as old friends or relatives.
In addition
, If the people
speaks
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speak
show examples
Correct article usage
a forign
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forign
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foreign
 language in that area will help
families
 to communicate more
trying
Wrong verb form
and try
show examples
 to learn the language
togather
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together
. On the other
hands
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hand
show examples
, usually
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,
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the aim of moving is because of
finincial
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financial
 reasons. So, the providers tend to spend more time at work to improve their
families
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family's
families'
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 income and save money to return to their home as soon as possible.
Moreover
, children could face some difficulties
to cope
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in coping
show examples
 with the new
enviroment
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environment
 more than adults and
psycological
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psychological
problem
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problems
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 are common among them. In conclusion, many
families
 move
abrod
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abroad
 looking for
brighter
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a brighter
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 future
to
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for
show examples
them
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themselves
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 and their
offsprings
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offspring
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.
This
 change may help
family's
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family
show examples
 members to communicate more and build a positive rapport.
However
,
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the provider
a provider
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provider
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providers
show examples
 may move
a part
Correct your spelling
apart
show examples
 and focus more
in
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on
show examples
 work as it is the cause of
this
 change.
Submitted by no_esem on

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task achievement
Your introduction sets the topic, but lacks a clear thesis statement indicating your own stance regarding the benefits and disadvantages. A more definite opinion would enhance the task response score.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure could be clearer with better distinction between paragraphs, such as the use of topic sentences to explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph.
task achievement
The conclusion summarizes the essay but can be improved by directly addressing whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages in terms of family development, as the question requests your judgment.
task achievement
Your main points are outlined, but they lack specific examples and evidence. Increasing the use of detailed examples would greatly support your points and improve your score.
coherence cohesion
You have made effort to connect ideas and arguments, but your essay can benefit from smoother transitions and more varied linking words. This will help the reader follow your reasoning better.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammatical accuracy, for instance, 'families' instead of 'familys', 'abroad' instead of 'abrod', and 'psychological' instead of 'psycological'.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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