IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many think religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Significant
Change the article
A significant
The significant
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 number of people out there
holds
Correct subject-verb agreement
hold
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 the perception that doctrine should be educated in schools,
by contrast
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, other individuals
also
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 share the sentiment that it should not be part
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
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 curriculum
hence
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 it should be halted.
This
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 essay shall completely endorse the former assertion.
However
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, the two opposing views will be brought to bear in the following paragraphs after which a logical conclusion will be drawn. On one hand, it is blatant that religion fosters spiritual development. Because it entails
of
Change preposition
apply
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morals
as well as
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 ethics, if trainees are being taught of it, they would develop the habit of being
curteous
Correct your spelling
courteous
as a result
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 making them
to
Change the verb form
apply
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become
a responsible citizens
Correct the article-noun agreement
responsible citizens
a responsible citizen
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 and
also
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 preventing them from unscrupulous activities
such
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 as armed robbery, gambling and prostitution.
For instance
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, a survey was conducted by
religious
Add an article
a religious
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 group in Africa two years ago and revealed that countries
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 involve morality in various schools do not encounter more
crime
Replace the word
criminal
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 activities,
hence
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 it is not in doubt that the argument against doctrines in schools has a myriad of supporters because it is a plethora of advantages not only to the general public but
also
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 in
an individuals
Correct the article-noun agreement
individuals
an individual
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.
On the other hand
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, it is apparent that sometimes adding a myth in a curriculum can lead to misunderstanding between pupils. To explicate
this
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 scenario, since individuals
has
Change the verb form
have
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 his or her own beliefs, one might not accept a different myth in view of
this
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, conflict can arise.
For example
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, people who are being
natured
Replace the word
natural
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 in Muslim will find it difficult to accept Christianity and
is
Correct pronoun usage
this is
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 the reason why conflicts
has
Change the verb form
have
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 been
arising
Correct your spelling
rising
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 in some part of Arabic nations. It is in light of
this
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 that avoiding
myth
Fix the agreement mistake
myths
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 in education is a justifiable course of
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
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. In conclusion, after analyzing the two contradictory ideas. I strongly believe that doctrine should be part
in
Change preposition
of
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 education,
nonetheless
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, I recommend that the Ministry of
Educaion
Correct your spelling
Education
 in various nations should educate
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 citizens about the subject and make it more interesting.

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, fails to follow a logical structure, and does not provide a convincing argument for the points made. Consider practicing essay structures that have a distinct introduction with a thesis statement, developed paragraphs with clear topic sentences, and a summarizing conclusion.
task achievement
The main ideas of the essay are underdeveloped and unsupported with relevant, specific examples. Exhibition of impartial discussion on both views is needed followed by a justified personal opinion. Work on expanding your ideas using more concrete and varied examples to substantiate your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • religious education
  • multi-faith society
  • values and ethics
  • tolerance
  • diversity
  • religious freedom
  • secular education
  • curriculum
  • worldviews
  • interfaith dialogue
  • religious literacy
  • moral guidance
  • cultural understanding
  • critical thinking
  • respect
  • indoctrination
  • religious beliefs
  • secular state
  • religious extremism
  • academic subject
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