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Band 5

People nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on individuals and people around them?

#people #reason #effects #individuals
It is generally acknowledged that in these days and
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
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age
Add a comma
age,
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 people tend to sleep less compared to recent ages. In
this
 essay, I will examine the factors that contribute towards the lack of sleep and the effects it causes.
To begin
 with, social media plays a significant role in
this
 problem.
In other words
, the increased intake of social media becomes the cause of undersleeping.
For example
, a
person
 who is on their phone all the time,
such
 as the online platform TikTok would ignore his well-being and would rather doom scrolling thanks to the dopamine rush he got and
as a result
, he is now addicted,
thus
,
sleep
Wrong verb form
sleeping
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fewer
Correct quantifier usage
less
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.
In addition
, an individual who is addicted to playing games would abandon his need to reach certain levels or ranks in games.
This
, of course, could lead to a bigger problem,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
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 mental health issues.
Therefore
, I believe
due to
 these factors, the impact of the lack of sleep is that individuals' effectiveness is declining owing to not having enough sleep. When the body
fulfilling
Wrong verb form
fulfils
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 its recommended sleeping hours, the
person
would wake
Wrong verb form
wakes
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 up feeling energetic in comparison with those who slept under eight or nine hours.
For instance
, an individual would start his day with a lack of energy.
Moreover
,
due to
 tiredness, a
person
's mood could change easily,
hence
, he would feel sensitive. In conclusion, in the past people slept more than nowadays. I reckon that social media has a big role in
this
 issue,
moreover
, it has a negative impact on the
person
's productivity.
Submitted by jessiicarr1705 on

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structure
Ensure the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction should introduce the topic and provide a clear position on the issue. Each body paragraph should have a clear main idea followed by explanations and/or examples. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate your position.
task response
To improve task achievement, make sure to fully address all parts of the prompt. This essay mentioned the reasons and effects superficially. It would be better to explore these in more depth, providing more detailed explanations and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on the development of ideas. Each paragraph needs a clear central theme that is developed logically. Also, ensure that paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next with suitable transition words and phrases.
lexical resource
Use a range of vocabulary to accurately reflect the complexity of the topic. Avoid repetition and ensure precision in word choice.
grammatical range accuracy
Check your writing for grammatical errors and strive to use a variety of sentence structures. Accurate use of complex sentences can also help to enhance the quality of your writing.
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