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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion.

#technology #people #viewpoints
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Modern
technology
 plays a crucial role in creating a borderless society, regardless of language. Some commentators argue that
technology
also
 has separated us from the real world. In
this
 essay, I will examine both perspectives and provide my opinion on
this
 matter.
Technology
 offers multiple benefits to improve
people
's lives, especially by strengthening relationships. Some individuals use their phones to communicate with their
friends
 from different parts of the world through online applications
such
 as Skype and Facebook.
For example
, some exchange students often share their contacts and social media accounts to maintain their friendships with foreign
friends
. They can follow each other’s activities, write some comments, and send e-birthday cards to celebrate their
friends
' moments.
Moreover
,
technology
 has demolished language barriers through translation applications.
As a result
,
people
 are
also
 able to communicate and make new
friends
 who speak different languages.
On the other hand
,
technology
 has
also
 changed
people
's lifestyles in negative ways.
People
 used to talk and spend their time with actual
people
 in real life.
However
,
due to
technology
 disruptions, many
people
 now concentrate more on their phones and chat with their online followers rather than interacting with
people
 in real life.
For instance
, some individuals focus solely on their phones
while
 eating with family, leading to family relationship issues and physical problems
such
 as depression or bad eyesight. In conclusion,
although
 It is likely that
people
 are increasingly addicted to social media and less engaged with
friends
 or families in real life,
Technology
 still offers considerable advantages, it connects
people
 from different cultures and languages in one platform, making them global citizens.
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task achievement
Your essay covers both perspectives well and provides a clear opinion, which is in line with the requirements of the task. However, it could benefit from more varied vocabulary and slightly more complex sentence structures to showcase higher-level language skills. Try to include transitions between ideas to improve the flow between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some minor improvements in the use of linking words and phrases can enhance the flow of ideas. Using connectors like 'Additionally,' 'Furthermore,' or 'On the contrary,' can help in making your points more cohesive.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples to support the main points, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, giving the essay a balanced structure.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • connectivity
  • communicate
  • social media
  • virtual meetings
  • global community
  • isolation
  • distract
  • face-to-face interaction
  • personal connections
  • dependency
  • technology addiction
  • digital divide
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