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Writing Samples
Band 7

More teenagers are now playing computer games in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of playing games?

#teenagers #computer #games #time
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In the modern era,
due to
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 technological advancements, the younger generation frequently dedicates their leisure time to a myriad of online gaming activities. Taking an overarching view, the prevalence of
this
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 pastime reveals significant drawbacks alongside relatively minor benefits. Notably, one major advantage lies in the potential for young individuals to enhance their technological proficiency, particularly in navigating computer systems.
Conversely
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, the most substantial downside manifests as the detrimental impact on their mental and physical well-being. Most households are financially capable of providing their children with access to computers and smartphones, affording them the opportunity to engage in popular online games like PUBG, which notably captivates many young boys.
Consequently
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, through the pursuit of these gaming hobbies, children can organically acquire technological fluency, even if it involves basic tasks
such
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 as the game download process.
On the contrary
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, despite the potential advantages of gaming, there exist more significant drawbacks that warrant elaboration. Foremost among these is the potential harm inflicted upon children's visual acuity
as a result
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 of prolonged screen exposure, wherein the adverse light emitted may pose health risks.
Additionally
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, another noteworthy negative repercussion is the inclination toward a sedentary lifestyle. As the allure of gaming victories grows, individuals become increasingly engrossed in extended daily screen time, prioritizing gaming achievements over educational and physical activities, thereby perpetuating a sedentary existence. In conclusion,
while
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 engaging in computer games can offer educational benefits in terms of technological proficiency for teenagers, the potential for detrimental effects arises when individuals succumb to addiction or misuse technology.
Submitted by akbarturdiyev06 on

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task response
The response seems to only partially address all parts of the task. It is essential to provide a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages. Try to elaborate more on each point with further examples and explanations to provide a more complete and comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
The essay displays fair cohesion, with logical progression in many parts of the text. However, it is necessary to make better use of cohesive devices and transition words to connect ideas more effectively. Work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and within sentences to enhance the overall structure and flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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