IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money should be invested better in other areas. To what extent do you agree with this view?

Some people reckon that spending on
arts
Use synonyms
 is a waste of municipal
budgets
Use synonyms
 and
governments
Use synonyms
 should spend their municipal
budgets
Use synonyms
 on other investments.
While
Linking Words
 there is a need for
governments
Use synonyms
 to develop
arts
Use synonyms
, I completely agree that they should invest their financial
budgets
Use synonyms
 in other departments. On the one hand,
governments
Use synonyms
 are responsible for boosting the development of
arts
Use synonyms
 and probably benefit a lot from them. The primary reason is that
governments
Use synonyms
 are supposed to protect the paintings and other
art
Use synonyms
 crafts in museums.
This
Linking Words
 is because these artificial items are usually symbols of ancient cultures in certain areas and contribute to cultural diversity to some degree.
Secondly
Linking Words
, investments in paintings and other forms of
art
Use synonyms
 are more likely to promote economic development.
For example
Linking Words
, beautiful drawings in
art
Use synonyms
 galleries and artificial designs on municipal architecture probably attract tourists to their regions and
thus
Linking Words
 improve their economy.
Therefore
Linking Words
, expenses on
arts
Use synonyms
 can benefit
governments
Use synonyms
 from both cultural and economic aspects. Regardless of the arguments mentioned above, I consider that authorities should save their money and spend it on more profitable departments.
Firstly
Linking Words
, alternative measures are more accessible to promote
arts
Use synonyms
 and are more economical,
such
Linking Words
 as compulsory
arts
Use synonyms
 courses in primary school, painting club campaigns on campus and so on.
In other words
Linking Words
, local authorities can easily foster a sense of
art
Use synonyms
 in students and provide professional artificial lessons for children.
Secondly
Linking Words
, financial
budgets
Use synonyms
 are essential for other more imperative departments,
such
Linking Words
 as environmental protection, financial investments and so on. In
this
Linking Words
 way,
governments
Use synonyms
 can earn more profits by investing in those programs within short terms and
thus
Linking Words
 have more opportunities to promote social development. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 spending
budgets
Use synonyms
 on
arts
Use synonyms
 has a range of advantages,
such
Linking Words
 as cultural protection and economic profits, I would argue that
governments
Use synonyms
 should invest expenses in other important fields.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which reflect the prompt question adequately. However, the introduction could be enhanced by paraphrasing the topic more effectively.
supported main points
Main points are generally supported, but the arguments could benefit from a wider range of examples and more in-depth analysis to strengthen the response.
complete response
The essay maintains a clear position throughout and addresses the task with a rather complete response, but consider exploring the counter-argument in more detail for a more balanced discussion.
logical structure
The essay has logical structure, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the logical connections can be enhanced by using a wider variety of cohesive devices.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure that ideas are clearly and comprehensively expressed, although the clarity is generally good, some sentences could be rephrased for better readability and flow.
relevant specific examples
Specific examples are used, but they are somewhat generic. To improve, include more detailed and varied examples that directly support the main points. Diversify the types of examples used to avoid repetition and add depth to the argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: