IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Children find it difficult to concentrate on or pay attention to school. What are the reasons? How can we solve this problem?

#children #attention #school
It is often argued that a paramount proportion of young people who study at secondary schools are finding it more challenging to focus on tuition nowadays.
While
 there are a number of negative consequences of
this
 trend,those and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can be able to address
this
 question in turn. It is true that it is becoming tougher day to day studying school for young ones
due to
 several reasons .The first reason is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 development of modern manufactured technologies
as well as
 various social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
,which usually cause to distract pupils
while
 they are in the class.
For example
, in the United
Kingdom
Add a comma
Kingdom,
show examples
 some student
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 suffering from the
intrupting
Correct your spelling
interrupting
 of their classmates
while
 they are doing exercises during the lesson .Their piers
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
 them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
watch different videos on their smartphones that are not suitable for their ages.
As a
result
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result,
show examples
 many
children
obsessed
Add a missing verb
are obsessed
show examples
 with playing many terrible games on cell
phones
such
 as PUBG is known as
interesting
Add an article
an interesting
show examples
 game for young ones to play on numerous platforms
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
children
 to enter hazardous ways during their lives.
On the other hand
 ,there are a plethora of steps that could be taken by individuals and
government
Fix the agreement mistake
governments
show examples
 to solve the obstacles.To commence with, parents
who their
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
children
 are
educating
Wrong verb form
educated
show examples
 at schools play an important role in
this
 case .Primarily because,They purchase the most expensive and the latest
made
Verb problem
apply
show examples
phones
 for their
children
 regardless of their ages and
also
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
means that it is the biggest mistake to some
extend
Replace the word
extent
show examples
,
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 parents
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
.It is crucial reason that after they give
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
phones
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 young ones,
children
 should be controlled per day what they are watching or playing on smartphones.
In addition
 ,to tackle
this
 issue
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 of kids
also
 play a significant role.
As a result
Add a comma
,
show examples
it needs to be done by
government
Add an article
a government
the government
show examples
 that new laws should be produced for kids to study in school without bringing
phones
. In conclusion,
lt
Correct your spelling
it
 appears to me that
lf
Correct your spelling
if
 certain measures could be taken to eliminate
this
 issue by parents and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 ,
lt
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 would perhaps be
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
 effective way to avoid
difficult
Replace the word
difficulty
show examples
 paying attention
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
although
 there are many negative aspects of
this
 trend.
Submitted by muborakholiqova6 on

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introduction conclusion present
While your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, they lack a clear thesis statement and summarization of the main points. It's important to explicitly state the essay's purpose and summarize the key arguments in the conclusion for enhanced clarity.
logical structure
Your essay demonstrates a basic structure but lacks clear transitions and cohesive devices between ideas and paragraphs. Consider using a range of cohesive devices and clear topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument coherently.
supported main points
Your main points are somewhat supported with examples, but the presentation could be clearer. Make sure your examples directly support the arguments you are making and are explained fully for the reader to understand their relevance.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas you've included related to the topic are relevant, but they are not always expressed clearly and comprehensively. Work on structuring your sentences and paragraphs to ensure that the reader can easily follow your argument and understand the points you are trying to make.
complete response
You have addressed the task to some extent and provided examples, however, ensure that your essay directly answers the question asked. Focus on directly responding to the 'why' aspect of the reasons and the 'how' aspect of the solutions, in order to fully satisfy the task requirements.
relevant specific examples
Your use of specific examples is good, however, they should be contextualized and explained in a way that clearly links them to the points you are making. Work on integrating examples more smoothly into your argument.

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