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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each orther. Others argue that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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This
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 essay discusses two different perspectives on the dependency of
people
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 in the modern world which is influenced by modern technologies and innovation. The writer tries to present both views and elaborate based on a personal point of view. Nowadays in the modern world where
technology
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 is the center of human
activities
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,
people
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 tend to do many actions at fast speed. Many technologies now can connect humans on a daily basis,
such
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 as social media, e-commerce, and a fast amount of apps developed currently.
This
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 means that
people
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 can be connected easily with each other either to do
activities
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 collectively or to help each other necessity.
That is
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 one reason modern
people
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 are said to be more dependent on each other. On the other side, the
technology
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 itself
also
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 helps
people
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 to become more independent in doing their daily
activities
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. But
that is
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 actually because they get help from other
people
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 who are relatively far from them through
technology
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. So actually the independence of modern society is just a reformation to a new way of dependency helped by
technology
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 and seen from a different perspective.
For example
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, a family who is living far away from their origin place might be seen as independent from the perspective of their relatives in the origin village but what actually happens is that the family gets help from
people
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 in their neighborhood. In a nutshell,
technology
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 has influenced how
people
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 are connected to each other in the modern world.
People
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 tend to be connected easily with others to do
activities
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 collectively or get help from others who are
also
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 connected via
technology
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. So the independence of the modern community is actually a reformation concept of the old dependency. Technological advancements have undeniably increased individual capacities, but the complexity of global challenges requires collective solutions.

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coherence cohesion
The essay needs to have a clear logical structure with well-defined paragraphs each addressing a unique aspect of the topic. It should begin with an introduction that presents the topic and sets the tone for the discussion, followed by body paragraphs each focused on one view with clear topic sentences, and finally a conclusive paragraph that summarises the findings and restates the writer's opinion.
coherence cohesion
Sentences need to be clearly linked using a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions, pronouns and linking phrases. Some ideas in the essay were not adequately developed, and paragraphs didn't always flow smoothly from one to the next.
task achievement
The response needs to fully address all parts of the task, demonstrating your ability to discuss both points of view and provide a well-reasoned personal opinion. Include a thorough examination of the implications, contrasts, or similarities between the dependence and independence of individuals in the modern world.
task achievement
Important to present clear and comprehensive ideas, elaborating and supporting each point of view with examples and pertinent details. The essay should have delved deeper into how technology has changed our dependencies and provided specific, relevant examples.
language
Use a range of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate language proficiency.
task achievement
To strengthen the argument, include specific examples that provide evidence for the claims made. The essay lacks specificity in illustrating how exactly technology leads to independence or dependence, and this could be remedied by including real-life examples or hypothetical scenarios.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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