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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In today's world, it is private companies rather than government who pay for and carry out most on scientific research. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays, there is ongoing debate regarding whether most of the scientific
research
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 should be conducted by personal
companies
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instead
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 of the
government
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.
This
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 essay will explore both perspectives that present the points of benefits and drawbacks, and arrive at my own conclusion. One significant merit that private
companies
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 take over the majority of the specialized work is to spread the burden, so the
government
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's funding can help more ordinary people. In
this
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 materialistic society, it is widely agreed that an enormous amount of social welfare like transportation subsidies can cost plenty of money from authorities.
Therefore
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, if there are individual
companies
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 that can carry out
research
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 in specific fields, it can effectively alleviate the
government
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's financial condition.
Furthermore
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, some scientific
research
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such
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 as medical innovation can immensely promote people's lives. What is obvious is that there are always private corporations that dedicate themselves to inventing novel technology.
On the other hand
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, once the
government
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 hands over too much power to personal enterprises,
this
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 could cause severe consequences. With the convenience of the 5G Internet, it is undeniable that information industries play a vital role in our daily lives, and these scientific resources for progression are usually controlled by the minor. What is alarming is that if those
companies
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 could raise the prices to earn more revenue, there is nothing that the
government
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 can do, because the crucial knowledge is held on their own.
As a consequence
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, scientific
research
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 could lead to harmful competition among private corporations and authorities have a lack of control. In conclusion, it is evident that there are both positive and negative aspects when private
companies
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 carry out most scientific
research
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. From my perspective, it is essential for the
government
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 to strike a delicate balance between the degree of offering
companies
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 power to innovating.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to partition your essay into clear paragraphs with distinct introductions, body content, and conclusions. While you have the key parts, the delineation could be sharper, thus increasing readability.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of linking words and cohesive devices to make your argument flow more naturally. Though your essay attempts to link ideas, you could improve the fluidity of the argument by considering more varied and sophisticated connectors.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are well-supported by examples or evidence. While your essay touches on several ideas, the support for each is somewhat superficial. Including specific examples or detailed explanations will enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task. Your response should fully cover the prompt, providing a balanced view of both sides of the argument before reaching a conclusion. Ensure that your conclusion succinctly sums up your discussion and clearly states your final position based on the preceding content.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive main ideas. Aim to articulate your points more clearly and expand upon them with more depth and detail. This will showcase your understanding of the topic and enhance the thoroughness of your answer.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. Generic or broad statements lack the impact of concrete evidence or real-life illustrations. Tailor your examples to precisely fit your arguments, thus reinforcing the real-world applicability of your points.
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