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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some parents and teachers think that children’s behavior should be strictly controlled. While some think that children should be free to behave. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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A lot of teachers and
parents
Use synonyms
 believe that the behaviour and the movement of the kids should be controlled strictly in their daily lives, but the opponents argue that kids should take action by themselves in their free time. In my opinion, the afterwards idea is perfectly than the former idea. The following essay will provide two pieces of evidence for explanation.
Children
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 who lack some experience may face the risk are protected by their adults. As we know inexperienced teenagers may do something wrong,
such
Linking Words
 as crimes, since they do not know how to handle them.
For example
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, naked video calls and cyberbullying are common situations nowadays. They enter the traps easily so that they may be faked by the bad digital citizens to gain money. In similar cases, they need to control their action so that
parents
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 can monitor them and tackle
indirectly
Correct pronoun usage
them indirectly
show examples
.
Therefore
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,
children
Use synonyms
 do not have enough experience so their
parents
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 limit the
children
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 is the expectative method. That says, the family members cannot rescue and take care of kids forever.
Children
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 try to handle different and difficult problems, which is the process of learning.
For example
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, if they are hungry,
parents
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 and teachers should teach them how to cook rather than cook for them.
Although
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 they may take injury in time, they are learning through that time.
On the other hand
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, we consider freedom to be our core value in society, which is the important value
that is
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 always mentioned by youngsters.
Hence
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, if we control young people dramatically, they have related rejective actions,
such
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 as fighting or hurting themselves.
Hence
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, teachers and
parents
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 should give some chances to handle all unknowns which are either risks or problems. In conclusion,
children
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 should have the freedom and right to choose their movement. As experienced people, we need to give them opportunities for them since it is the studying process.

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines your stance and previews the main points you will discuss to improve coherence and task response.
supported main points
Develop each paragraph more fully with specific examples and explanations to strengthen support for your main points.
logical structure
Make sure each paragraph logically follows from the previous one to enhance cohesion; use transitional phrases where necessary.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving grammatical accuracy and variety in sentence structure to increase clarity and improve overall cohesion.
task achievement
The essay covers both views on the topic, providing a balanced discussion which is important for task response.
task achievement
The writer clearly states their opinion and provides reasoning for their stance.
logical structure
The essay attempts to address the implications and broader significance of the topic, providing a deeper level of discussion.
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