IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that hoobies need to be difficult to be enjoyable. To what extend do agree or disagree?

#people #hoobies
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A
hobby
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 is an activity that we enjoy doing in our free
time
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.
Hobbys
Correct your spelling
Hobbies
 distract us from work and can relax our brain and body.To enjoy
this
Linking Words
 process,some of us believe that
hobbies
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 should be hard-to-do.I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea.In my opinion,it is not necessary to do extreme
activities
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,since it is harmful to
health
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 and there are other free
time
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activities
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 that are more enjoyable.In the forthcoming paragraphs,I shall expound my thoughts in detail.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,by doing challenging free
time
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activities
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 folks can get hurt and can have
health
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 problems.Individuals are always eager to try something new.They believe that the more it's dangerous,the more it's enjoyable.So,they often forget about the consequences.When they try so-called
hobbies
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 they often forget about injuries they can get and the safety stuff.
As a result
Linking Words
,they get into
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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serious
health
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 problems and they suffer from it for years.
For example
Linking Words
,we have seen many accidents
in
Change preposition
on
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 TV, that have been caused by trying extreme
hobbies
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.Plenty of them have been from unawareness of the consequences and the issues that the
hobby
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 leads to.
Secondly
Linking Words
,there are various types of other
hobbies
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 and they are not damaging to
health
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.I would like to point out that if we find the
hobby
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 that we want to do,it will make us more satisfied.Basic drawing skills can give more cheerful feelings than jumping from mountains.
For instance
Linking Words
,I find playing Dombyra interesting.As I play Dombyra in my free
time
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 it cheers me up and relaxes my brain after studies.After each play,it motivates me to play like a professional and I do
this
Linking Words
hobby
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 day in and day out.I feel excited about my progress and it makes me satisfied. In conclusion,damaging
activities
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 can lead us
into
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to
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
huge
health
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 troubles,
while
Linking Words
 simple
activities
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 make us happier and
gives
Change the verb form
give
show examples
 us a sense of fulfilment.
Submitted by medet.khan774 on

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coherence cohesion
Be aware of grammar and vocabulary errors, as these can detract significantly from the overall clarity of your writing. Simple mistakes and awkward phrasing can often disrupt the logical flow of your essay. It's crucial to proofread your work to avoid these issues.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are clearly defined and effectively bookend your arguments. Each should have a distinct purpose, with the introduction presenting the topic and your position, and the conclusion summarizing your main points and reiterating your stance.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with clear, logically developed arguments and relevant examples. Although there is an attempt to provide examples, they can be expanded upon to offer more depth and to better illustrate your point of view.
task achievement
Your response should address the task prompt completely, presenting a clear opinion and discussing the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement. While the essay shows an attempt to do this, the response could benefit from more depth and nuance in argumentation.
task achievement
Ideas should be expressed clearly and comprehensively, with a coherent progression throughout the essay. Aim to develop each idea fully before moving on to the next, ensuring a better understanding for the reader.
task achievement
Using a variety of relevant, specific examples can enrich your essay and support your arguments convincingly. Try to draw on a wider range of examples and ensure that they are directly relevant to the points being made.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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