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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

#children #hours #smartphones
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t is a phenomenon that today’s
kids
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 tend to play computer games and watch animations on their electronic gadgets several
hours
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 a day. There are several reasons for
this
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 willingness and it has sets of pros and cons.
To begin
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 with, as the parents barely find
hours
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 to spend with their children, they usually buy a new smartphone for their child
instead
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. With the help of the internet,
kids
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 can
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their loneliness and after a
while
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, they become addicted to them.
Hence
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, families overcome their responsibilities in
this
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way
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. Many studies showed that more than 50% of primary school students have at least one electronic device and spend more than 6
hours
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 of their time with it.
Secondly
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, I believe technology and consumerism have affected many aspects of life. A salient example is that many parents assume that buying a smartphone for youngsters is a must and they have to afford it as they reach the age of going to kindergarten and school. It is concluded that the
kids
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 could not bring out their hidden creativity in
this
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way
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. On the plus side, I believe buying a smart tool is not the issue and the reasons for usage are paramount of importance. I mean,
firstly
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 parents can provide several educational applications that prepare
kids
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 for their school and so on.
secondly
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, they can make a plan for using it to prevent harmful effects. In
this
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way
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, I guess it is a positive development.
On the other hand
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, facing an electronic device for a long period has many side effects. The deleterious impacts
such
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 as visual disorders, depression, and being introverted are by no means negligible.
Therefore
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, if it is not efficiently managed, a lot of mental and physical problems can be appreciated,
consequently
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. In conclusion, nowadays the habit of using an electronic device by
kids
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 for long
hours
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 is appearing day by day;
However
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, the
way
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 family members encounter
this
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, is more important than itself.
Submitted by farzin_seyednejad on

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task achievement
In response to the task, it is essential to present a clear position throughout the response. Your essay appears to take a position but could be more explicit in the introduction and consistently maintained throughout. You've addressed the main parts of the task, though the development of ideas could be more fully articulated to showcase a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay establishes a logical structure and presents main ideas; however, work on linking these main ideas more coherently. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to help your essay flow more naturally. The introduction and conclusion are present, but ensure that the conclusion summarizes the main points effectively and reiterates your position clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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