IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people say that the government should spend more money taking care of elderly people while others think that government spending should be spent more on the education of young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #money #care #education
It has been frequently argued that the authorities should invest in old people as a way of giving back.
This
 has brought ample advantages, whilst few masses opine that it has harmful consequences for children's education. In
this
 essay, I would like to shed light on both perspectives
along with
 my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with, the one repaying elderly humans plays an important role.
Initially
, the previous generation, who fought and built our country to develop into what it is today, could enjoy their achievements.
Besides
 that, the sons can look after themselves and be by their parents's
sides
Fix the agreement mistake
side
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 when they get aged.
Moreover
, perhaps because the working and studying environments have been tough for a long time
,
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apply
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 when they retire, they will no longer have the clarity and intelligence to handle everything on their own. In my opinion, governments should establish policies to safeguard the rights of the older.
For example
, every month, others receive an adequate amount of money to cover their daily expenses,
such
 as food and transportation. And create nursing hospitals here.
On the other hand
, schooling is crucial for young people.
Furthermore
, children are the backbone of a nation’s economy. It is unreasonable to neglect the kids of the generation to nurture those who do not have much life left. Prosperity will significantly grow with an intelligent and healthy population.
For instance
, the government continues to devote its resources to health and education. Definitely, dwellers have enough knowledge to develop the world, productivity increases, average income increases, and unemployment decreases. In conclusion, society must take care of older adults since they contribute wholeheartedly to the success of the period.
Conversely
, parents and schools can take on a large proportion of the responsibility for the needs of the younger generation.
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced discussion of both perspectives, which significantly contributes to the task response. However, ensure that you explicitly state your opinion clearly in the introduction as well as the conclusion to strengthen your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally coherent, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be smoother. Improving the transition between paragraphs and ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single idea can help enhance coherence.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples which bolster the arguments well.
coherence cohesion
You have successfully included a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring your essay effectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported and explained adequately.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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