IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement

#mass #communication #transport #societies #phenomenon #globalization #people #fear #loss #identity
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There is no doubt that these days, societies are falling prey to mass
globalization
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. The question is, will
this
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 phenomenon lead to the total
loss
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 of cultural identity? In
this
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 essay I am going to discuss the impact of mass communication and transport leading to
globalization
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 and the
loss
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 of culture. In terms of disadvantages,
while
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globalization
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 promotes the integration of societies and has provided millions of people with new opportunities, it may
also
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 bring with it a
loss
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 of uniqueness of local culture, which in turn can lead to
loss
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 of identity, exclusion and even conflict. To illustrate, our own cultural tradition of taking on parents as a responsibility in their old age has been taken over by the West's actions of putting them into Old-Age homes.
In other words
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,
due to
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 the massive exposure through social media and ease of
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travelling
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traveling
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traveling,
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 we are forgetting our cultural teachings and adapting the norms of other societies.
However
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,
globalization
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 has created many gateways for
this
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 generation too.
Firstly
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, losing our cultural identity might not be too bad if the traditions we are dropping have become
time- worn
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time-worn
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.
In other words
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, neglecting customary practices
such
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 as not providing equal opportunities to both genders is one of the best outcomes of
globalization
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.
Secondly
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,
globalization
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 is a chance for many nations to work together towards a better future.
This
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 is because communication has become so prevalent.
Also
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, diversity is inevitable and a part of our psychological
make-up
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makeup
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. In conclusion,
although
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globalization
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 has its cons, it has created a much more welcoming world for us.
Therefore
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, I believe that
globalization
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 is a chance for many nations to transform into
a
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apply
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civilized
nation
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nations
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 with a refreshed system of values and identities.
Submitted by dalal7almalki7 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your standpoint. While your introduction introduces the topic, it lacks a clear thesis statement that summarizes your position on the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop a clear logical structure by organizing your essay into clear paragraphs, each dedicated to a specific point. Use topic sentences to start each paragraph, and ensure that the subsequent sentences in the paragraph elaborate on that point.
Coherence and Cohesion
You need to support the main points with specific examples or evidence. Your essay mentions generalized evidence, but it would be strengthened by specific studies, facts, or statistics that provide credible support for your claims.
Task Achievement
Your essay should fully respond to all parts of the task. You should clearly present your viewpoint regarding the extent to which you agree or disagree, and ensure that your conclusion aligns with your overall argument.
Task Achievement
Make sure your ideas are clear and comprehensive, which involves explicit discussions of how each point relates to the topic. This requires focusing on clarity and the depth of your arguments throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Use specific, relevant examples to underpin your points. While the essay touches on examples, more specificity will help in reinforcing your argument and demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic.
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