IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think scientific research should focus on solving world health problems. Others think that there are more important issues. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #research #focus #world #health
Nowadays, the revolutionary development in technologies has allowed researchers to
further
 enhance medical services.
However
, some people hold a belief that scientists should turn their focus to more urgent problems. From my perspective, both notions come with some noticeable merits, which will be discussed in the following essay. To shed light on the benefits of concentrating on other issues across the globe, an improvement to the world ecosystem should be mentioned.
For instance
, as global warming is currently a devastating obstacle for the destructive effect that it
caused
Verb problem
has
show examples
 on the surrounding environment, the fauna and flora will be ensured better living conditions if governments choose to invest in solving it.
This
 decision will not only recover the biological circle but
also
 maintain the diversity of wildlife, which contains many unfolded mysteries for a potential breakthrough in future scientific research.
Thus
, making the previously mentioned statement a worthwhile initiative to consider.
On the other hand
, pouring time and money into resolving global health problems plays a threshold role in allowing safety for another research to
be proceeded
Change to the active voice
proceed
have proceeded
show examples
. To be more specific, a number of innovative experiments contain dangerous substances that pose a threat to scientist’s survivability.
Additionally
, society will
also
 benefit from these developments since remedies for incurable diseases will definitely be in top priority. Take
cancers
Fix the agreement mistake
cancer
show examples
 as a prime example, our orbit has been suffering from
this
 illness for centuries, making an effective antidote the ultimate outcome that the current era needs. Because of
this
 aforementioned importance, I personally believe the merits that
further
 analysis of health issues will eclipse that of other important troubles. To reiterate,
although
 both ideas provide concrete evidence about why they should have more privilege, the benefits that solving health problems will utterly outweigh the opposite opinion in terms of significance toward the general public.
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Coherence & Cohesion
You should ensure clarity by organizing paragraphs around a single idea and maintain focus on that idea throughout the paragraph. Aim to have a clear topic sentence that guides the content of each paragraph. Links between paragraphs could also be strengthened for a more cohesive argument.
Task Achievement
The essay fairly addresses both views and provides a personal opinion, but stronger, more detailed examples would enhance the argument. To improve task achievement, expand on the specific reasons why each view is valid, and provide clear, relevant examples.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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