IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think reading stories in books is better than watching TV or playing computer games for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Nowadays, electronic devices are becoming more and more popular and individuals tend to like using them
instead
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 of reading
books
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.
However
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, some people argue that reading stories in
books
Use synonyms
 is better than spending time on television or computer, especially children. In my view, I totally support
this
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 opinion because of the following reasons. First of all,
books
Use synonyms
 help
students
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 increase their level of concentration ability. It is undeniable that television and video games are very attractive because they are very diverse, they contain both voice and image.
However
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, they can easily distract the young from learning,
thus
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 the young may not obtain the knowledge originally set for.
While
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books
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 not only help
students
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 receive information but they
also
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 have benefits for student's imagination.
For example
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, Harry Potter is a famous novel that has been adapted into a movie series. When you read it you will imagine the scene of the story
instead
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 of accepting an image from the actor.
On the other hand
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, children, who usually use electronic instruments, easily get eye diseases
such
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 as short-sightedness because of the negative blue light from the screen.
Whereas
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, if reading
books
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 in a good light condition, teenagers rarely get problems with their eyes. With modern technology, famous publishing companies always pay attention to the quality of papers and colours to ensure they do not get harmful to readers.
For instance
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, in the past there were not many
students
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 who got eye diseases,
in contrast
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, there are lots of
students
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 who get them today. Several researches demonstrate that it links to the use of computers and TV sets. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
books
Use synonyms
 will bring plenty of pros for people, particularly
students
Use synonyms
. Parents should encourage their children to read
books
Use synonyms
instead
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 of spending time on television or the computer.

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coherence cohesion
While the essay includes a logical structure, transitions between some ideas were not very smooth which could make the reader struggle to follow the argument. To improve coherence, connect each paragraph more clearly to the next using a variety of transition phrases.
coherence cohesion
Main points are mostly supported, but occasionally the support is not fully developed. To enhance the effectiveness of each argument, provide more detailed examples and consider exploring less obvious consequences or implications of the points made.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and generally serve their purpose, but to reach a higher band, ensure they are both strong and compelling. The introduction should more directly address the prompt, and the conclusion should provide a more powerful summary of the points made.
task achievement
Your response to the task is complete, you've addressed all parts of the task and your position is clear. To achieve a higher band, make sure that the position taken in the introduction is consistently echoed throughout the essay with appropriate reasoning and supporting details.
task achievement
Ideas are presented with clarity, but there is room to go into greater depth in exploring these ideas to fully develop the arguments. Strive to elaborate further and show a more thorough understanding of the topic for a higher band score.
task achievement
The essay could benefit from more relevant and specifically detailed examples to substantiate the arguments. Using case studies or research findings could bolster the essay's persuasiveness and allow a deeper exploration of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • imagination
  • creativity
  • visualize
  • deeper understanding
  • language comprehension
  • critical thinking
  • empathy
  • perspectives
  • emotional benefits
  • concentration
  • attention span
  • cognitive development
  • educational programs
  • interactive
  • stimulate
  • relaxation
  • reduce stress
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