IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that restoration of old building costs too much. We should demolish them and build new one instead. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #restoration #costs
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There is a controversy about an architecture issue regarding its efficiency in investing massive amounts of
money
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 to repair old constructions. Several
people
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 assert that old
buildings
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 should be dismantled because the fee of repair costs too much and it is far more valuable to put the
money
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 into constructing new
buildings
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instead
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. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement.
However
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, some
people
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 who disagree with the statement often insist on the historical meaning and value of the old
buildings
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. Remembering history and learning from the past to move forward are truly important spirits that we have to keep always in mind, but I doubt the huge amount of investment for keeping the old building is necessary. When it comes to the massive investment of
money
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, I do not believe the meaning of the old building outweighs the massive amount of
money
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. There are a lot of other fields in which we can make progress in the modern world with
money
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.
Moreover
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, the architecture trends rapidly change
as well as
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 other parts of
this
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 modern world. It is difficult to stay balanced between old
buildings
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 and modern patterns of construction. From the perspective of architecture, the old building is the biggest obstacle to designing the whole city in a better combination and proper way.
Additionally
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, the most important part of keeping the old
buildings
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 can cause some safety issues. Old constructions are very vulnerable to collapse,
people
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 living around the old building have to worry about it all the time.
For example
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, the investigation of the old Seoul City Hall revealed that it was the most vulnerable construction to collapse soon, even though the government spent a lot of taxes to maintain it for historical reasons.
As a result
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, the old one was demolished and the new city hall was built. A few years later after the new one was built, a survey found that building a new one could save the wasteful taxes into restoration and maximize the efficiency of the taxes
as well as
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people
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 around the building now feel more safer. In conclusion, it is
also
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 understandable to keep the old building for some reasons
such
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 as remembering the history.
However
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, we have to prioritize the value of the
money
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 for the more progressive life.
Submitted by pjh011205 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, your essay must have a clear and logical progression of ideas. The connection between sentences and paragraphs could be enhanced. Use a range of cohesive devices, but make sure they are not mechanical and repetitive. The introduction and conclusion are present, which is good, but they could be developed to be more insightful and engaging.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure you fully address all parts of the prompt and present a clear opinion throughout the essay. Your essay should have a balanced argument that is well developed. It's important to support your main points with relevant examples, but try to elaborate them more thoroughly to enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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