IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The average standard of the people is likely to be lower in the future than now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement. Give your reasons and include relevant examples.

#people #future
It is often stated that the average
life
 standard of the
people
 is going to decline in
future
 compared to their present situation. I strongly agree with the above statement. In
this
 essay, I will be exploring my opinion with some examples.
Firstly
, the
work
 stress and the workload of the
people
 is one of the reasons that might decline the living standard of the
people
 in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
show examples
 days. In
another words
Replace the adjective
another word
other words
show examples
, the continuous workload and the stress
people
 are acquiring from their workplace has
direct
Add an article
a direct
show examples
 impact on their mental
health
. Whenever they come to
work
, they face various problems and lots of expectations from their employer. In
this
 scenario, there are not any other ways to escape from their overloaded
work
.
This
 is one of the reasons they deal with various mental
health
 issues.
For instance
, nurses working in
aged-care
Correct your spelling
aged care
show examples
 in Australia are provided with various responsibilities including medication, GP consultation, new admission criteria if there is any new resident, care plan evaluation, family consultation and leading the whole team including PCA, cleaner and kitchen staff in their one shift. These allocated responsibilities create pressure and stress on them which directly affect their mental
health
.
Thus
, the mental
health
 problems caused
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
people
’s
work
 directly impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their living conditions in
future
.
Secondly
, the reliance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 technological
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 like mobile,
Correct word choice
and computer
show examples
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
,
also
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
 the
life
 standard of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
. Nowadays,
people
 are mostly relying on these products for their
work
, study and entertainment. They
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 most of their time on screen
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 might cause them to deal with numerous different ailments.
For instance
, office workers are mostly spending their time in front of the computer each day accumulating their
over time
Correct your spelling
overtime
show examples
.
This
 situation various serious problems with their eyesight, backbone, and
shoulder
Fix the agreement mistake
shoulders
show examples
 in
coming
Correct article usage
the coming
show examples
 days. In
nutshell
Correct article usage
a nutshell
show examples
, overuse of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technologies and
work
 pressure are the most important factors in
degrading
Add an article
the degrading
show examples
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
show examples
 of the
people
 in
future
. It seems to be more important for
people
 to
work
 on their present
life
 so that they can upgrade their
future
life
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
.
Submitted by sub.ranji on

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coherence cohesion
There is a logical sequence to your ideas, yet transitions between paragraphs could be more fluid. Use cohesive devices more effectively to improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be strengthened. Ensure the introduction clearly outlines the points to be discussed, and the conclusion summarizes the main ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are supported, strive to develop each argument comprehensively. Expand on ideas using a wider range of supporting details and explanations.
task achievement
While you addressed the topic, the response needs to be more fully rounded. This means covering all aspects of the prompt more completely and providing a more thorough explanation of your views.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear, but they require more development. Aim for deeper analysis and a richer exploration of your points to convey a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You've included relevant examples, which is good. To enhance your score, ensure that the examples are specific and illustrate the point convincingly. They should not only be clear, but also closely tied to the point they are supposed to support.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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