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Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
In some communities, people argue that
children
 should be taught that having hard work will make their dreams come true.
This
 statement has a negative and positive impact that I will explain in
this
 essay. Suggesting to
children
 that they can pursue their dreams as long as they put a big effort into it will make them optimistic
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
Subsequently
, they will be brave to have a high dream in their lives.
For instance
, a child from a low-income family aims to be a rich
person
 someday
although
 his family do not have enough money to give him an appropriate education.
As a result
 of the advice, the child will work hard to get a lot of money by working from one place to another where the wages are not high enough.
On the other hand
, if in reality,
children
 can not make their goals come true, they will think that the ones who give the advice, are untrustworthy.
For example
, a student joining a competition who already prepared and studied for a long time but eventually does not obtain any single award
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is more likely to have a mental breakdown and not believe in his supporting teacher anymore.
Moreover
, the child is going to be a pessimistic
person
 and
finally
 does not want to
own
Verb problem
have
show examples
higher goals in his life. In conclusion, suggesting
children
 to be hard workers
person
 so that they can reach their goals can be an advantage which is to gain their confidence in achieving their dream,
however
, it can turn into disbelief when the dream is failed to get.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion were present but could be more clearly articulated to better introduce and summarize the main points of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure. Ideas should flow logically from one to the next, and each paragraph should focus on a clear main idea. Use linking phrases and topic sentences to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points with more detailed support. While the essay mentions advantages and disadvantages, it should include more specific examples and explanations to illustrate these points.
task achievement
Address the task directly and ensure a complete response is provided. Be explicit in addressing both advantages and disadvantages as presented in the input material.
task achievement
Provide clear and comprehensive ideas. Expand on the points made to fully explore the advantages and disadvantages, ensuring each is well-explained and thought-out.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. Draw on concrete examples to illustrate the outcomes of working hard and the potential pitfalls when promises are not met.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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