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Band 5

Many people believe that it is easier to have a healthy lifestyles in the countryside. other believe that there are health benefits of living in cities. discuss both view and give your opinion.

#people #lifestyles #countryside #health #cities
More
people
 argue that living in the
village
 is great for healthy behaviour,
while
 others believe there are more advantages to living in cities. Even though modern cities offer a lot of entertainment, I wholeheartedly believe that living in a suburban is better for healthy finances and having a long
life
. Recently, more and more
people
 are migrating to the city looking for a job and having a better
life
.
Although
 living in a modern city makes
people
's
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
easier and
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
 a lot of entertainment, they might spend over funds to fulfil their necessities and do something unnecessary for themselves.
For instance
,
people
 tend to buy a Gucci bag with high prices, Nike shoes, the latest smartphone, and so on. Those are spending money and
people
 have arranged their own money for something important. Even though, living in the
village
 has more benefits rather than staying in town. Others who live in the countryside do not spend much money to buy food, because it is provided by nature or they can make a farm to feed themselves.
For Example
, they can take fruit and vegetables from the garden. So they do not buy it again.
In addition
,
people
 who are living in a
village
 are more healthy. It is caused by pure weather and has no chemical food. I believe
people
 who have been eating healthy food by not contain chemicals is great for their bodies and supported by clear air.
For example
,
people
 in the past had long lives and did not tend to get diseases.
Therefore
people
 wich live in the
village
 are happier and more stable in finance. In conclusion, a healthy lifestyle is a crucial issue for social lives nowadays. Some
people
 are concerned living in villages has been better for supporting a healthy lifestyle,
whereas
 another pro to living in cities is good for
life
. I personally believe
life
 must balance either staying in the city or the countryside because
that is
 related to each other to supporting
people
's lives
forwards
Replace the word
forward
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Coherence & Cohesion
It appears that you have attempted to structure your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good but you need to improve the clarity and logical sequence of your points. Use clear topic sentences and provide specific examples where necessary to improve the logical flow.
Task Achievement
While you have covered the task to a certain degree by discussing both views and providing an opinion, your opinion is not clear throughout the essay. Ensure that you discuss each viewpoint and your own clearly and dedicate specific paragraphs to each. Use concrete examples to support your points and to fully satisfy the task requirement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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