IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
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It is often said to the young
people
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 that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
This
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 essay will suggest that
attitude
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attitudes
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such
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 as never
give
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giving
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 up and
ambitious
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being ambitious
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 are the biggest
advantages
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 of
this
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, but mental
health
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 and the risk of doing some crime are the primary disadvantages The main
advantages
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 of working hard for our goals are we will be ambitious and never give up. The children who have big ambitions to reach what they want will focus solely
toward
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on
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 their goal. They will never postpone things that can help their growth, and never shy around
to do
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from doing
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 anything that can help them.
Also
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, someone who
have
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has
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 big ambition is someone who never
give
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gives
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 up, they will get up when they fall. A prime example of
this
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 is Thomas Alva Edison, he is the founder of
lamp
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the lamp
a lamp
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, It is said that he tried more than 1000 times,
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this
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and this
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persistance
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persistence
lead
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led
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 to the development of
lamp
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the lamp
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 that we use today. Despite those
advantages
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,
people
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 often
geot
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get
got
 mental
health
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problem
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problems
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 and do criminal things to achieve their
goal
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goals
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. Fear of failing or not
try
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trying
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 hard enough will lead some
people
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getting
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to get
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 mental
health
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 problems
such
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 as anxiety and depression.
This
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 problem
caused
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was caused
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 by peer pressure and
judgemental
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a judgemental
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 environment that made a lot of
people
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 stressed. In
this
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 case, they will
tried
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try
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 to do anything even
tjough
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though
 they know it is breaking the law.
For instance
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, an employee to
got
Verb problem
has
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higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 income will often do anything
such
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 as helping their superiors to fake the financial reports, and as
the
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a
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payment
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payment,
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 the superiors will give them
higher
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a higher
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 bonus or promotion.
To conclude
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, working hard to achieve anything that we want can be
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advantages
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advantageous
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 if it gives
peopkle
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people
 hardworking and ambitious nature.
However
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, they should be careful that it will
nos
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not
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stressed
Wrong verb form
stress
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 them out to get mental
health
Use synonyms
 problems or breaking the law.
Submitted by nientjeninan on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good. However, the logical flow between ideas could be clearer. In some instances, it seems like thoughts are disconnected, and transitions between points could be smoother. It would benefit from more varied conjunctions and better topic sentence construction to guide the reader through your argument more coherently.
task achievement
You addressed the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages as required. However, the depth of your ideas is somewhat limited, and your examples are not fully developed. In a higher band response, you would need to elaborate on your points more thoroughly and provide more detailed examples to illustrate your argument effectively. Make sure each paragraph has one clear main idea and that all parts of the task are addressed equally.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
What to do next:
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