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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents believe that home schooling is more beneficial than the traditional schools. What is your opinion.

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Business
always
Add a missing verb
is always
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isa
Correct your spelling
a
 cut-throat competition
which
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in which
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 enterprises relentlessly make a huge effort to attract customers and gain profit. In order to build a customer base, numerous corporations these days introduce that their
products
Use synonyms
 are innovative in some aspects.
While
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such
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these
Correct determiner usage
apply
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practices have
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 own merits and demerits, I strongly support that these promotions indicate a positive development in the industry, which will be
further
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 explained
within
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by
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Correct article usage
a discussing
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discussing
Replace the word
discussion
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about
Change preposition
of
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 the root causes of
this
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 trend in
this
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 following essay.
Firstly
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, people have a tendency to try out new things to satisfy their curiosity. Understanding
this
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 thinking,
therefore
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, a number of companies stress
on
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apply
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the innovations of their prominent goods as a good way to appeal
more
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to more
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 and more shoppers to rebuild the customer base to recover from losses caused by economic depressions, especially after
Covid-19
Correct article usage
the Covid-19
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 pandemic.
For instance
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, numerous publishers
as well as
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 Kim Dong,
Nha
Correct word choice
and Nha
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 Nam,... annually release new versions of their previous books with innovations
such
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 as hardcore
version
Fix the agreement mistake
versions
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, novels with illustrations,
new
Correct word choice
and new
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 book
cover
Fix the agreement mistake
covers
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,...
Due to
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 the fact that these unique versions have been sold out quickly,
this
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 business strategy
prove
Change the verb form
proves
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 its beneficial influence.
Secondly
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, we can consider
this
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 practice as a positive development owning to the benefits which it brings
on
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apply
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such
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 as a wide range of choices and the accessibility of
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
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 well-qualified
products
Use synonyms
. Since consumers prefer prominent and trendy
products
Use synonyms
, businesses are forced to improve the quality of their merchandise and showcase
the
Correct article usage
apply
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superior value
in contrast
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 to other opponents in the trade market.
Moreover
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,
this
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 trend
also
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associates
Wrong verb form
associated
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 with a motivation to upgrade the technology and encourage imaginative creators to have their creative initiative come to being.
Therefore
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,
this
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 business strategy is not only advantageous for consumers, but
also
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 the producers. In conclusion, the trend
which
Change preposition
in which
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 corporations concentrate on the innovation of their latest
products
Use synonyms
 in advertising responds to the companies’ effort to appeal
more
Change preposition
to more
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 and more shoppers. To my mind, these actions can ultimately be regarded as a fundamental development which improves the customer experience and makes remarkable changes to the industry

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses the question asked. The introduction should clearly outline your opinion on the topic, while the conclusion should summarize your thoughts and restate your position.
coherence cohesion
Work on aligning your paragraphs more coherently. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea and subsequent sentences should support that idea with appropriate details or examples.
coherence cohesion
Expand on your ideas by providing more specific examples to back up your claims. Examples should be relevant and detailed to illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions and connections between different parts of your essay, but avoid overusing them or using them inappropriately.
task achievement
Be vigilant with your essay's relevance to the topic. While you give opinions on innovation in business, it's important that these views align closely with the prompt about home schooling versus traditional schooling.
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