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Band 4

In recent year sport stars have become increasingly famous and wealthy. For some this is a benefit, raising the profile of sports, but for other it is a negative influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#year #sport #stars #benefit #profile #sports #influence
Sports
 stars are very popular nowadays. Many producers and directors attract audiences by advertising with famous
people
 in
sports
. But, it becomes threatened to
sports
team
Fix the agreement mistake
teams
show examples
 that
sports
 stars might not have
fully
Change the adverb
full
show examples
 concentration on their
sports
 activities. It has to be considered some factors to give an opinion on
this
 matter.
Firstly
, there can be seen a lot of young
people
 become more
fastinated
Correct your spelling
fascinated
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
 because of fame and money.
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
, digital marketing
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 very trendy and popular so
people
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
advertise their products on social media who
has
Verb problem
are
show examples
 famous in
sports
 because they are fit and healthy
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can attract
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
audiences very well. It cannot be denied that
sports
 stars can get lots of income from that they are more likely to invest their
engry
Correct your spelling
energy
angry
 and time on that.
Secondly
, it can give unrealistic dreams to
younger
Add an article
the younger
a younger
show examples
 generation and they might get distracted to make
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right choice for their career pathways. As long as they take part in social media, they have to be very careful
their
Change preposition
about their
show examples
 social status
that
Correct word choice
so that
show examples
 they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 get tension from it and it will
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
sports
 abilities in future.
Finally
,
sports
people
 can reach the top
in
Change preposition
within
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 limit of their lifetime so they should use effectively on their fame to be more financially stable. But
this
 should not be the main
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 to be
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
people
 just for popularity and money. It is not possible that
sports
people
 with not let go
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
opportunites
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 anyway but the trend of more money and
attentions
Fix the agreement mistake
attention
show examples
 are not beneficial to
sports
overall
.
Submitted by cupidzunzun on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear paragraphing with distinct introductions for each point and better linkages between them.
introduction conclusion present
Consider a more structured approach, including a clearer introduction with a thesis statement and a concise conclusion summing up your standpoint.
supported main points
Develop main points with specific examples and details to support your arguments and enhance persuasiveness.
complete response
Respond fully to all parts of the task ensuring that your essay reflects a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before concluding with your opinion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Strive for clarity and depth in your ideas, presenting them in a manner that is easy to understand and follow.
relevant specific examples
Integrate more real-world examples or case studies to strengthen the points you make and to ground your discussion in reality.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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