Some people believe that corporal punishment helps to improve students' behavior, while others think it could be detrimental in many ways. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
While
it is commonly suggested that corporal punishment
helps to better student's behaviour, others believe it could be harmful in many ways. I'm going to discuss these opposing points of view. In my opinion, there are more efficient methods of educating students
than corporal punishment
.
On the one hand, it is argued that it is helpful to use corporal punishment
to make students
behave better. The main reason is that when students
make a mistake and are punished with corporal, they will remember it for a long time; therefore
, they will not have a tendency to repeat it in the future. For example
, in primary school
, I made some mistakes and my teacher hit my hand, which made me change my behaviour and not repeat the mistakes when I moved on to Secondary School
and High School
.
On the other hand
, it is strongly believed by others that corporal punishment
could bring about several negative effects in various ways. People often have this
opinion because there are already some reports showing data about a proportion of students
having serious psychological trauma. In fact, some schools have problems when the students
cannot continue to go to school
after they receive corporal punishment
. For example
, in 2020, it was reported in The New York Times that 70% of high schoolers have serious psychological crises in 100 high schools using corporal punishment
in America.
In conclusion, while
some people think that corporal punishment
can help to improve student's behaviour, others believe it could be in many aspects. Personally, I tend to believe that there are other ways to educate students
efficiently, we don't need to use corporal punishment
in a learning environment.Submitted by yeshomeclass on
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task achievement
In the discussion of both views on corporal punishment, some elaboration on the arguments is needed. While the basic structure of presenting both sides is there, the essay would benefit from deeper analysis and a more clear and comprehensive representation of each viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is fair, but there could be improvements in the flow and connections between paragraphs. Transitions between points are somewhat abrupt, and ideas would benefit from more thoughtful linking phrases.
task achievement
When citing examples, ensure that they are both relevant and specific to corroborate the points made. The use of a statistic from The New York Times is good, but its authenticity and relevance to the point need to be clearer. Providing specific case studies or research findings might help bolster your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and perform their functions adequately. The opinion is clear, but could be integrated more smoothly within the essay. Rather than just appearing at the beginning and end, your perspective should be subtly woven throughout your discussion.
coherence cohesion
There is a need to support main points with a stronger development of arguments. Avoid superficial statements and aim for depth in the analysis of why some people believe in the effectiveness of corporal punishment or its detrimental effects.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite