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Writing Samples
Band 7

Despite a variety of sport facilities and gyms, people are less fit nowadays than ever before. What do you think are the main causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest?

#variety #sport #facilities #gyms #people
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Compared to previous decades, the number of gyms and sports facilities has increased dramatically. Surprisingly,
however
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, the lifestyle of
people
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 and their physical health do not correlate with
this
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 improvement and have even worsened over the years. I will try to explain the roots of
this
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 problem and offer some solutions in that regard. With all the advances in technological areas, all societies have been more or less industrialized and urbanized in the
last
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 decades.
As a result
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, most physical jobs are being done by machines and tools, not demanding any physical effort.
This
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 means that compared to older times,
people
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 are less mobile and are stuck in sedentary lifestyles, which leads to a reduction of life quality.
Furthermore
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, the world economy is going through recurring crises, which contribute to the loss of jobs and a rise in poverty.
Hence
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, more
people
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 are slaving themselves in return for the minimum wage, only to meet their basic needs. With working long
hours
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 and still having difficulty providing proper housing and sufficient food, going to the gym would be considered a luxury out of reach.
Therefore
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,
people
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 are less fit and healthy
in contrast
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 with older times. There is no straightforward answer to how we can overcome
this
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 problem.
In addition
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 to structural modifications to uproot poverty and
bettering
Verb problem
improve
show examples
 the quality of
people
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's lives, one of the effective solutions can be fitting some exercise
hours
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 in employees' schedules during working
hours
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. Desk stretches and mobility exercises can help blood circulation and prevent heart conditions resulting from sitting for long
hours
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.
On the other hand
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, building gyms inside the offices would solve the problem of commuting to the gym from the office.
This
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 way, employees would have better access to the gym and work out. In conclusion, finding the roots of
people
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 not being healthy and in shape, these days is quite complex and needs scientific assessment, and fixing them needs structural alterations by the government to have a more healthy society
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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, consider creating more explicit connections between paragraphs with transitional phrases that show cause and effect, comparison, or contrast.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear, but you can enhance their impact by adding a thesis statement and a more powerful final statement that reiterates your solutions.
coherence cohesion
To strengthen main points, ensure each idea is developed fully with clear examples or data where possible.
task achievement
For task achievement, make sure to address all parts of the question more evenly. The essay would benefit from further development of causes before moving onto solutions.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas to provide more depth and insight, which will help clarify your position and arguments to the reader.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples into your argument to support your ideas. Use real-life instances, data, or research findings when appropriate to strengthen your claims.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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