IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Band 7 University should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#band #university #students
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There has been much discussion revolving around the
number
 of genders in the universities.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
number
 of males has to keep up with the females in each subject. I disagree with
this
, though.
This
 essay will delve into the details of the given topic,
in addition
 to my opinion that will be illustrated,
along with
 some corporations in order to justify my point of view.
To begin
 with, currently, some believe that in each department of the
university
Add a comma
university,
show examples
 the
number
 of men has to equal female.Despite
this
 belief, I
am totally disagree
Change the verb form
totally disagree
show examples
 with
this
.On account of the fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
both genders have a right to meet their perfect match's in a procedure to fulfill their potential in the long run. To illustrate
this
, take Cairo University as a clear example, the
number
 of boys who enrolled
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
faculty
Capitalize word
Faculty
show examples
 of Medicine was in the majority.
On the other hand
, the
number
 of girls was in the minority.The decision to
make
Verb problem
do
show examples
 something about
this
 is worthless.
According to
 the manager of the university, he said that everyone has a right to select
his
Change the word
a
show examples
 suitable subject. In turn, it is not justified to
enforce
Verb problem
force
show examples
 students toward specific discipline
according to
 their genders. What is more, in some nations
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 procedure to join some universities, it is highly
depend
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
show examples
 on your your score in
secondary
Correct article usage
the secondary
show examples
 education stage,not
rely
Verb problem
apply
show examples
on your gender.
Therefore
, it is reasonable that in so many subjects there is a
variations
Change the noun form
variation
show examples
 in the
number
 of males
as well as
 females. Owing to the given clarification. To illustrate
this
,
for instance
, in my country(Egypt), your score has to be 98
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 If you want to join Medical College.
As a result
, there is no doubt,
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 variation in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gender will be
obviously
Change the word
obvious
show examples
. Owing to the clear fact that the secondary score
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to be considered. In a nutshell, after a thorough analysis of the mentioned
topic
Add a comma
topic,
show examples
 it is predicted that
Correct article usage
the different
show examples
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
 in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of males as well females in some subjects is not a strange phenomenon,because of the aforementioned justifications.
Submitted by nadeenelkenawy4425 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction should set the context and state the writer's opinion. Each body paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. The conclusion should summarize the main points and restate the opinion without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
The ideas could be better organized and developed. More logical connectors and smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs are necessary to achieve higher coherence and cohesion. Avoid unnecessary repetition and strive for variety in sentence structures to enhance readability.
task achievement
While you have addressed the task and presented your opinion, the response must be more fully extended with a deeper analysis and a wider range of ideas. Ensure each body paragraph expands on a specific point related to the prompt, providing not just personal opinions but also more general examples which could include data, studies or societal trends as evidence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: