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Writing Samples
Band 6

chole The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.

chole The graph below shows the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city over a six-month period in 2011.
#chole #enquiries #tourist #information #office #city #period
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The graph shows the total number received by the tourist information office in urban
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 over a six-month duration in 2011.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
trend
Use synonyms
 describes the three
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
, in person, by letter and by telephone. In those three groups, the in-person
group
Use synonyms
 and telephone
group
Use synonyms
were
Verb problem
had
show examples
upward
Add an article
the upward
an upward
show examples
trend
Use synonyms
, and the letter or email
group
Use synonyms
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
downward
Add an article
a downward
show examples
trend
Use synonyms
. In January, about 400 tourism
inquired
Replace the word
inquiries
show examples
 in
person
Correct article usage
the person
show examples
group
Use synonyms
, but it was gradually increased in Feb and March,
then
Linking Words
 in April it went up to about 1300 and it was the biggest
trend
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when it reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Jun
Use synonyms
, the percentage rocked to about 1900 and it was the best option for visitors. The second best option, by
telephone
Add the comma(s)
telephone,
show examples
 started
about
Change preposition
at about
show examples
 800 people, varied between February to April, the percentage dropped and increased over
this
Linking Words
 period,
then
Linking Words
 suddenly went up in May and
Jun
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
at about
show examples
 1400 and 1600 respectively. The people interested
inquiry
Change preposition
in inquiry
show examples
 by letter or email in Jan, it reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
about 800 but the visitors became less
interest
Replace the word
interested
show examples
 after that time. The
trend
Use synonyms
 dropped to below 400 in May and it didn’t change till
Jun
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, in person
group
Use synonyms
 started off with the least popularity but it became the hottest in
Jun
Use synonyms
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
, email was popular in Jan but ended up with less popularity.
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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words trend, group, jun with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went up" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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