IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some experts believe that when a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens any more satisfied. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

#experts #country #wealth #citizens
Some hypotheses suggest that additional financial gain in societies will not
increment
Verb problem
increase
show examples
 the satisfaction of local residents. I could not agree with
such
 opinions
due to
 the direct and indirect effects derived from extra
wealth
. First of all, regardless of how rich a country could be, there are citizens suffering from poverty, who will directly be affected by the rise in economy, and enhance their happiness. To illustrate the situation, governments are able to use extra
wealth
 to create more job opportunities and improve the education system, which helps poor families reverse their situation.
Moreover
, the money can be used to develop infrastructure
such
 as public transportation and healthcare systems, which play crucial roles in improving people 's
life-quality
Correct your spelling
life quality
show examples
 and their sense of safety.
Secondly
, average residents can indirectly benefit from gaining
wealth
, including having a stable and safe living environment
as well as
 being able to cultivate personal interests. The boost in the local economy encourages the growth of various businesses and reduces
unemployment
Correct article usage
the unemployment
show examples
 rate which deter people from committing crimes since they are contented with the status quo.
Moreover
, individuals with more savings are able to pursue their dreams, including playing music or painting, which makes them more satisfied with their lives.
For instance
, residents with more money are able to afford expensive instruments
such
 as pianos to fulfil their dreams of becoming musicians To summarise, in my perspective, the growth in economic
wealth
 has a positive connection to the satisfaction of citizens, which to be said, the happiness of people in wealthy nations can be affected by
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
incremental
wealth
.
Submitted by unapoya0916 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic, but the response could be more fully expanded with clearer and more developed ideas. The introduction is a bit brief and could provide a clearer thesis statement. In the body paragraphs, the arguments are relevant but would benefit from more specific examples and a detailed explanation for each point.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a recognizable structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion; however, the logical flow between ideas can be improved. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs should be enhanced to establish better coherence. The overall cohesion would benefit from more varied linking words and clearer topic sentences for each paragraph.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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