IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

People in many countries are spending less time with their family. What are the reasons, and effects of this?

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Nowadays, the public in many states is spending less
time
Use synonyms
 with their family. I believe that it was caused by some reasons
such
Linking Words
 as the existence of high working
hours
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 and their
office
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 has long distances from their home.
Firstly
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, At the current
time
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, many individuals have high working
hours
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 at their
office
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. Because of these issues, many employees have restricted
time
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 to gather with family. Most of them have duties to spend their
time
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 doing responsibilities
according to
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 the job description regulations. Based on the fact,
workers
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 stay at the workplace for 8
hours
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 a day. Sometimes, if they are asked by the leader to finish additional tasks, they will come back late. It makes them go home at night and they can not interact with their spouse or children.
For example
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, professionals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 contribute to the finance or banking field have almost 9
office
Use synonyms
hours
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, they do not have enough
time
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 to spend and communicate with their
relative's members
Change noun form
relatives
show examples
 because when they arrive, the all of members are sleeping.
Secondly
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, In some cases, the
office
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 where they work is a long distance from their house.
This
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 condition often happens in the big cities that recruit
workers
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 who come from rural areas. Because of the existence of long distances,
workers
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 have limited chances to visit their origin place to see their family. The majority of them look at their family at a particular
time
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such
Linking Words
 as once a month or just on public holidays.
Additionally
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, the journey to come back to their house is disturbed by congestion, so they have to genuinely look for the best
time
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 to meet their relatives.
For example
Linking Words
, the
workers
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 are in metropolitan cities namely Jakarta, they have a chance to go home only during the Eid holidays. In conclusion, in some states, the public is spending less
time
Use synonyms
 with their family it was caused by several reasons
such
Linking Words
 as the existence of high working
hours
Use synonyms
, which leads them to have a finite
time
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 to interact with their family, and is
also
Linking Words
 induced by the long distances from their
office
Use synonyms
 to house which causes to possess limited opportunity to visit their family.

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Task Achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt, but it would benefit from a more balanced discussion of both causes and effects. You should develop your ideas further to fully address the task, including a specific conclusion that sums up the arguments presented.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a logical sequence, but transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the overall structure should be more clear with better paragraphing. Work on your cohesive devices and use of paragraphs to structure your argument more effectively. Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve flow and clarity.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • predominant
  • commitments
  • imbalance
  • digital technology
  • social media
  • globalization
  • weakened
  • disconnected
  • strain
  • stress
  • mental health issues
  • developmental issues
  • behavioral problems
  • parental guidance
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