IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The average standard of people's health is likely to be lower in the future than it is now. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #health #future
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It is commonly argued that
,
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apply
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people
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 in
future
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 may experience less
well being
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well-being
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 in comparison with current time agree with
such
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point
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a point
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 of view since the rate of
people
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's engaging with
technology
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 will reach
it's
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its
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 peak in
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future
Correct article usage
the future
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 plan and it will
leads
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lead
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 to several difficulties and fatal disease for humans 'health and I will assert my compelling reasons in following
paragraghs
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paragraphs
. During the recent decades,
the
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apply
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technology
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 in every field has witnessed
a
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apply
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considerable growth,
whereas
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 booming in
technology
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 always not accompany with
well being
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well-being
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for
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of
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 individuals as
an evidence
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evidence
a piece of evidence
a shred of evidence
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:
although
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cars
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car
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comapnies
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companies
 experienced
a
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apply
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dramatic progress in their production
this
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 development
results
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has resulted
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to
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in
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 a
prennial
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perennial
 problem of air pollution.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 nowadays prefer to do sedentary jobs rather than
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physical
physically
physicall
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physical
 jobs so
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this
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thi s
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this
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 preference causes
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several
severe
severl
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several
 cramped
illness
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illnesses
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such
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 as heart attack or diabetes ,
then
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 in
near
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the near
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future
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 we will face with
huge
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a huge
the huge
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 number of
people
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 who suffer from obesity and
fatal
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a fatal
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 disease, so it can be seen as
technology
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 grow the number
pf
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of
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people
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 who tend to do desk job increase
on the other hand
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, we see that the number of
treatment
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treatments
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 is on the rise for
evey diseas
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every disease
 and
such
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cutting edge
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cutting-edge
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technology
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 may helo
people
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 to suffer
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
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 fatal
disease
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diseases
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 forinstance, in 2019
although
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majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
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 of
people
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 in
all
Correct determiner usage
the
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 world suffered from corona virus new
treatment
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treatments
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 rescued many ill
people
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. in conclusion,
i
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I
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 strongly believe that in
near
Correct article usage
the near
show examples
future
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 will see the lowest level of health since
technology
Use synonyms
 can not keep pace with
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
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 consideration
Submitted by amirshajarizadeh on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow your argument. The use of paragraphs is haphazard, and transitions between ideas are abrupt or non-existent. To improve, focus on organizing your ideas into a logical sequence. Each paragraph should contain one main idea, supported by explanations or examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they require significant improvement. Both should clearly state your position and summarize the main points (for the conclusion). Ensure that your introduction sets the stage for your argument, while your conclusion effectively wraps up your discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points are somewhat supported, but the supporting details and examples are not always clear or relevant. Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and expand on that idea with well-chosen evidence or examples. Additionally, ensure all examples are directly related to the question prompt.
Task Achievement
The response to the task is somewhat complete, but it would benefit from a clearer explanation of your views. Be sure to directly address the prompt and clearly outline the extent to which you agree or disagree.
Task Achievement
While you have attempted to communicate ideas, they are not always clear or comprehensive. Work on expressing your thoughts more clearly and developing your ideas more fully. Each paragraph should explore one main idea thoroughly.
Task Achievement
The essay provides some relevant examples, but they need to be more specific and directly linked to the task. Make sure every example strengthens your argument and is explicitly connected to the question prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Standard of health
  • 2. Average
  • 3. Lower
  • 4. Future
  • 5. Aging population
  • 6. Chronic diseases
  • 7. Sedentary lifestyle
  • 8. Lack of exercise
  • 9. Poor dietary habits
  • 10. Environmental pollution
  • 11. Technological advancements
  • 12. Impact on health
What to do next:
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