IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Many doctors recommend that older people exercise regularly, but most patients do not follow an exercise routine. Why do you think this happens? How can people be encouraged to exercise regularly?

#doctors #people #exercise #patients
Health is paramount, irrespective of an individual's age, gender, or origin and so, healthcare experts always stress its significance in daily routine. Regardless, many healthcare professionals find that older
people
 do not heed their advice concerning
exercise
. In my opinion,
this
 is
due to
 practical concerns, and the best encouragement would be through government initiatives. I shall be expanding on
this
 perception in the following paragraphs. One of the reasons behind senior citizens staying unfit could be physical and economic issues.
Firstly
, older
people
 naturally suffer from minor or major
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
debilitating conditions
such
 as poor cardiovascular health, arthritis, and dementia. Each presents unique challenges to a regular workout routine.
Moreover
, older
people
 are often unable to afford the costs associated with learning a new sport or joining a gym. In the United States, most older
people
 survive on a fixed income and must set aside money for medical bills.
Therefore
, sports equipment does not find its position on their priority list. There is little that can be done to deter the natural ageing process, but the financial impediments can be effectively tackled by building more public parks and facilities. An older person living in an urban area may lack easy access to a park or the transportation to travel to one far away.
However
, if there were one within walking distance, they would be encouraged to
exercise
 habitually. Social interactions could
also
 reinforce
this
 habit. Many older
people
 are lonely and seek companions from their generation.
As a result
, by making friends and regularly meeting to walk to
exercise
 in the park, as is common in many East Asian nations, they can create lasting bonds that encourage them to stay fit. In conclusion, many older
people
 are physically or economically unable to
exercise
 regularly, and
this
 can be partly remedied with more significant investment in public spaces. The benefits of
such
 a reform would impact other segments of the population.
Submitted by zavkidm on

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coherence cohesion
While your essay presents a coherent structure, it would benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly respond to the questions posed. Make sure each paragraph begins with a clear statement reflecting on the reasons why older people might not exercise and the methods to encourage them.
task achievement
Though your essay includes relevant examples and ideas, strengthen it by embedding more specific examples rather than general statements. For example, instead of mentioning 'many East Asian nations', reference a specific program or statistic to illustrate effectiveness.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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