IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which view point do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answers

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The
adverts
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 have a crucial role in business sectors. A large number of individuals believe that advertising stimulates
people
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 to purchase
products
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 even if they do not
use
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 them,
whereas
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 others consider that ads explain the new product details that update our day-to-day
lives
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. I strongly agree with the former opinion because it causes the younger generations to become long-term debtors. On the one hand,
advertisements
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 update
people
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's
lives
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 tremendously because every day numerous new
products
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 are launched in the market and
people
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 have to understand everything about the
products
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 through ads
such
Linking Words
 as how to
use
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 them, what benefits it has and everything, especially new technology devices.
For example
Linking Words
, smartphones have many advanced features, so folks have a chance to learn how to
use
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 them by
adverts
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 for individuals can
use
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 the new technological devices.
Hence
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,
advertisements
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 improve
people
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's
lives
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 rapidly.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, individuals buy unwanted things through
advertisements
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 because it stimulates them to purchase frequently.
Consequently
Linking Words
, many mankind suffer the financial problems. To clarify, the youth folks like to buy a plethora of
products
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 to expose they are rich persons to others as prestige, so they borrow debts from banks, financial offices and close circles.
For instance
Linking Words
, Indonesian adults purchase a new branded car through vehicle loans in banks which is a long-term loan but they cannot return pay
this
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 loan
due to
Linking Words
 their salary being a minimum amount.
This
Linking Words
 can lead to the younger generations becoming long-term debtors.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
adverts
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 provoke to folks buy unwanted
products
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.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
advertisements
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 tell all the information about a particular product, especially new technological devices how used in
people
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's
lives
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 every day,
people
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 buy unwanted things through ads die to they want to show their prestige to others.
Therefore
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, I strongly agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
adverts
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 can lead to adults as long-term debtors.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure by introducing each paragraph with a topic sentence that is followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence. Maintain the flow between ideas with appropriate linking words.
coherence cohesion
In the introduction and conclusion, restate the essay topic and clearly state your position. Make sure your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific, relevant examples, and details. Make sure to fully develop each point with adequate evidence that enhances the argument you are trying to make.
task achievement
Ensure that your essay fully responds to all parts of the task. Clearly present your viewpoint and expand on it with comprehensive ideas and examples throughout your response.
task achievement
When presenting your ideas, clarity and comprehension are crucial. Aim to express your thoughts in a way that is easy for the reader to understand. Avoid overly complex sentence structures that may confuse the reader and detract from the clarity of your argument.
task achievement
Use relevant examples to support your argument, making sure that they are specific and effectively illustrate your points. Examples should be well-integrated into your discussion and contribute to a deeper understanding of your viewpoint.
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