IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, there is more and more competition for getting into university. Is this a positive or negative development?

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As the number of
university
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 applicants continues to rise, a debate has emerged regarding whether
this
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 growing
competition
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 yields positive or negative consequences. In my opinion,
competition
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 is positive in
this
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 case despite the increased emotional burden it engenders. One of the major drawbacks of increased
university
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competition
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 is the mounting pressure it places on
students
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. Intense
competition
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 often leads to heightened stress
levels
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, anxiety, and mental health issues. Countless
students
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 face sleepless nights, burnout, and compromised well-being
due to
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 the overwhelming pressure to outshine their peers.
For instance
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, research conducted by the American Psychological Association revealed that high-stakes academic competitions and examinations can contribute to elevated
levels
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 of stress and anxiety disorders.
Consequently
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,
this
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 negative impact on mental health can hinder
students
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’
overall
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 development and well-rounded growth.
On the other hand
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, intense
competition
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 can
also
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 act as a driving force that motivates
students
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 to strive for excellence and unleash their full potential. When faced with a highly competitive environment,
students
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 are incentivized to become more focused, disciplined, and goal-oriented. They are
then
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 more likely to develop a strong work ethic, perseverance, and resilience, which are essential qualities for success in various aspects of life. There is
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, therefore,
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therefore
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 an increased likelihood that
students
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 who have overcome intense
competition
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 during their
university
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 admissions process will display higher
levels
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 of determination and tenacity in their future
endeavors
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endeavours
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, leading to potentially greater achievements in their careers. In conclusion, escalating
competition
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 for
university
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 admission increases stress
levels
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 among
students
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, yet more
importantly
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importantly,
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 fosters personal growth. Individuals must learn methods to manage their anxiety as it will prepare them for greater achievement later in life as well.

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Introduction and Conclusion
The essay contains an introduction and conclusion, but they lack clarity and impact. It is advisable for the introduction to precisely address the essay prompt and for the conclusion to succinctly summarize the main points. Reinforce the introduction by including a clear thesis statement and provide a more comprehensive conclusion that encapsulates your overall argument.
Structure and Paragraphing
While the essay attempts to develop arguments, the overall structure could be improved for a better logical flow. For a higher score, ensure that each paragraph follows a cohesive structure, with clearly defined topic sentences that introduce the main point, followed by explanations and examples.
Task Response
Your response adequately answers the task but could benefit from a greater variety of complex structures and more in-depth development of ideas. Work on extensively elaborating on your points and providing more detailed examples relevant to the question to enhance the richness of your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence, with ideas linked together. However, you would gain a higher score by using a wider range of cohesive devices. Practice connecting ideas more smoothly and seamlessly through diverse linking words and cohesive phrases.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic achievements
  • foster
  • culture of excellence
  • merit-based system
  • dedicated
  • educational institutions
  • quality education
  • future workforce
  • stress and pressure
  • fierce competition
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • burnout
  • tertiary education
  • less privileged backgrounds
  • exacerbate
  • social inequality
  • drives innovation
  • programs and facilities
  • overemphasis
  • creativity
  • critical thinking
  • ethical judgment
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